I'm sure I'm not the only one who is rushing around trying to get Christmas bought. Long lines, right size - wrong color, right color - wrong price. No one gave me a "list" this year before I went so that just makes it twice as hard. But I'm not worried, when I was growing up we didn't give "list" to anyone but mother. And we liked the gifts we got from family members who strayed from "the list". So I am counting on everyone liking what I give them this year and if they don't I bet I get a list early next year!
Maria won $100.00 at the parade in Community Chamber bucks so we went shopping for her some winter clothes. She went to the singing Christmas Tree at Bel view with her Sunday school class and I wanted her to look good so we bought her an outfit to wear. She looked fabulous.
I spent the next few days wrapping all the gifts. Kayla came by Tuesday before her final exam, haven't seen her in 3 weeks, but came by to give her "list". Then my sister Angie called with Landon and Lindsey's "list", Christy called with her "list". Well, I'm done shopping. So their are going to be some disappointed people in my family because I didn't get close to their "list".
Christy's gift list was over $500.00, Landon and Lindsey's were small items not to bad, Kayla's "list" added up to be a 2ND mortgage on the house.
I think we put to much into a "list". Christmas is supposed to be about giving a gift. Something you picked out for that person, not a shopping list like you do when you buy groceries. For the past several years we gave money. That is so ....so....oh what is the word.....you fill in the blank.
I don't like giving money. I told everyone at Thanksgiving, I AM NOT GIVING MONEY THIS YEAR so you better get your list to me early!! Didn't happen.
Angie called and wanted to know what I got the kids, I told her....her response " well, Landon won't wear it, Christy already bought it, Terry won't use it and Lindsey already has one!!!!!
My response...OH WELL. Now they have two, he can throw it away, stick it in a drawer...
I'm done. Angie " Well, you can just give them money." Not!
I have been busy trying to get end of the year inventory done and getting ready to spend 4 days and nights in Jonesboro with a new plant they are opening. 432,000 sq feet of floor that has to be clean, and floors stripped and waxed by Friday morning. I told my husband tonight when he went to bed, "I'll see you Friday".
Today , I had the dreaded Cat scan guided bone marrow biopsy done. We got up at 6:30 am got dressed and went to the plant at 8am, took care of business, got to the hospital at 10:00 and had the test at 1:30pm. I didn't feel a thing. The last thing I heard the nurse say was " Mrs. Mealer, we are going..." That was all she wrote, I was out like a light. When I woke up my husband said, " the nurse ask if you were hungry and you replied yes lets go to McDonald's and get a McRib sandwich...2 taco's and a 2 piece chicken plate from KFC...and then you went back out." I could not eat or drink after mid-night and it was 3:30 before I could drink anything. I was parched.
Well it's going to be another very busy week for me and I am going to head to bed. You will not hear from me again until after Christmas. So to all who care enough to tune in.....
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. God's Blessings to you and your family, and
may goodness and mercy follow you all the days of your life.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
What A Week!
After Maria and I returned from or mini vacation, I spent Thursday in bed most of the day trying to get some much needed rest. I spent most of day praying about a conversation I was dreading to have with my dear friend Maria. And God answered my prayer.
Gary and I have been preparing for my sister Kim to move in with us this spring. Gary and I was talking one night about what to do with my office. He didn't want me to move it the shop because it is to far away from the house. I didn't want to put it in the kitchen and there was only one other option...Maria's room. Gary explained to me that we are running out of room to do what needs to be done to get Kim set up and we only have so much room to work with.
So I had to be the one to tell Maria she was going to have to go back to the Mission Outreach.
I have been tore up over this decision for some time now but knew he was right.
After work on Thursday, I sat Maria down and explained our decision. She was very gracious. She thanked us for all we had done for her, said she understood, and gave me a big hug and went to her room. As I sat and cried about her having to leave, she packed all her belongings and went to bed.
Friday after work we took her to the Mission. It was a very sad day indeed. I miss her so much. She was my right hand, company to me after Gary went to bed, my shopping buddy, and my best friend and my sounding board. I have come to love her like family. She still comes to house every day to work, rides to church with me on Sundays and will spend Christmas with us and the family... nothing has changed except where she sleeps.
Friday night Gary and I spent some much needed time together. It was the first time in 6 months that we had the house to our self. We were like a couple of kids.
About 7 pm we got a call from our cousin in St. Louis, a cousin was found dead in his bed just hours before the call. I made the phone calls to alert my sisters, and Christy and I left Saturday afternoon for St. Louis. It was a fun trip. We ate before we left town, ate at the Snack Shack in Poplar Bluff, stopped at the White Castles in St. Louis and stopped to pick up a box of Chicken at the Jack in the Box to take in to Aunt Wanda's.
We left Sunday to return home, it was a short trip but a long day. On our way home I got a phone call from Linda, Shelly's mom in Alabama.... Shelly is the girl who stole my furniture... Shelly has been living on the streets for the past 3 months, doing drugs, and prostituting her self, and has been in and out of jail for petty theft. Linda called me to tell me Shelly was in grave danger, she pulled a scam on a gang of blacks over in Jonesboro and they have taught a lesson. She is scared and needs help. Come to find out, her con husband Justin had sold them a
Wal-Mart card gift card that he said had 200.00 on it for 100.00, and when they went to use it it didn't have anything on it. He was put in jail for shoplifting, so they couldn't get him so they got Shelly. They kept her drugged for 4 days, gang raped her, burnt her with crack pipes, cigarettes, and pulled her hair out in clumps, and beat her then released her with the warning that if she ever came back to Jonesboro they would kill her.
Linda was scared to death for Shelly and was hundreds of miles away. I told her we would be home around 8 pm and that when I got home I would make a few calls to see what I could do.
I had not heard anything from Linda until 12:30 am when she called to tell me she was sitting in my driveway. She had an address here in Paragould where Shelly was suppose to be and we drove over to get her just to find her not there and didn't know where to look for her. We drove around for hours trying to find her with no success. Linda was worried, tired from the stress and 6 hour drive. We went back to the house at 3:30 am to get some sleep.
At 7:30 am Monday morning, I got a call from Mid- South Mental Health Services that Shell had been brought in and they she had taken an over dose of drugs and refused an ambulance to ER, would I come get her. I woke Linda and we took her to the ER where we sat all day long. The Doctor on duty told Linda that he was going to release her to a Detox Center in Kennett and tat an ambulance would be arriving to take her where she would spend at least 4 to 5 days. Linda and I had talked about try to get her in a long term drug rehab after she got out of detox. The ambulance arrive to pick her up but she refused to go with them, she wanted Linda to take her to Kennet! I was pissed to say the least. How selfish!! I thought. Linda and I both had only had about 3 hours sleep, sat all day at ER, and had come in from long trips and now drive to Kennett MO because she refused her ride!!!!! I said what I thought but took her. Linda and I got her checked in and got home about 11:30pm and went straight to bed.
Tuesday morning at 10 am Gary, Linda and I where at NEA Hosipital b/c I had to have my bone marrow test done. I thought I would die! It was worse than having a baby. They stuck a needle the size of a straw in my hip and did not give me any meds. All I could do was grit my teeth and cry. And after all that they DID NOT GET ANY MARROW!!!! I told Gary that was the last time I was ding that. and he agreed. I spent the rest of the day in bed.
We spent most of Wednesday making phone calls all over the US to the rehabs to see if anyone had a bed, finally, Russellville, Georgia. She had to be there no later than Friday morning or she will lose her bed. So linda and I contacted the detox center and they released her Thursday am.
Linda left and picked Shelly up and took her to GA Thursday.
Friday I slept all day long!!!! Saturday I slept all day long!!!! Sunday I slept all day long!!!
Gary and I have been preparing for my sister Kim to move in with us this spring. Gary and I was talking one night about what to do with my office. He didn't want me to move it the shop because it is to far away from the house. I didn't want to put it in the kitchen and there was only one other option...Maria's room. Gary explained to me that we are running out of room to do what needs to be done to get Kim set up and we only have so much room to work with.
So I had to be the one to tell Maria she was going to have to go back to the Mission Outreach.
I have been tore up over this decision for some time now but knew he was right.
After work on Thursday, I sat Maria down and explained our decision. She was very gracious. She thanked us for all we had done for her, said she understood, and gave me a big hug and went to her room. As I sat and cried about her having to leave, she packed all her belongings and went to bed.
Friday after work we took her to the Mission. It was a very sad day indeed. I miss her so much. She was my right hand, company to me after Gary went to bed, my shopping buddy, and my best friend and my sounding board. I have come to love her like family. She still comes to house every day to work, rides to church with me on Sundays and will spend Christmas with us and the family... nothing has changed except where she sleeps.
Friday night Gary and I spent some much needed time together. It was the first time in 6 months that we had the house to our self. We were like a couple of kids.
About 7 pm we got a call from our cousin in St. Louis, a cousin was found dead in his bed just hours before the call. I made the phone calls to alert my sisters, and Christy and I left Saturday afternoon for St. Louis. It was a fun trip. We ate before we left town, ate at the Snack Shack in Poplar Bluff, stopped at the White Castles in St. Louis and stopped to pick up a box of Chicken at the Jack in the Box to take in to Aunt Wanda's.
We left Sunday to return home, it was a short trip but a long day. On our way home I got a phone call from Linda, Shelly's mom in Alabama.... Shelly is the girl who stole my furniture... Shelly has been living on the streets for the past 3 months, doing drugs, and prostituting her self, and has been in and out of jail for petty theft. Linda called me to tell me Shelly was in grave danger, she pulled a scam on a gang of blacks over in Jonesboro and they have taught a lesson. She is scared and needs help. Come to find out, her con husband Justin had sold them a
Wal-Mart card gift card that he said had 200.00 on it for 100.00, and when they went to use it it didn't have anything on it. He was put in jail for shoplifting, so they couldn't get him so they got Shelly. They kept her drugged for 4 days, gang raped her, burnt her with crack pipes, cigarettes, and pulled her hair out in clumps, and beat her then released her with the warning that if she ever came back to Jonesboro they would kill her.
Linda was scared to death for Shelly and was hundreds of miles away. I told her we would be home around 8 pm and that when I got home I would make a few calls to see what I could do.
I had not heard anything from Linda until 12:30 am when she called to tell me she was sitting in my driveway. She had an address here in Paragould where Shelly was suppose to be and we drove over to get her just to find her not there and didn't know where to look for her. We drove around for hours trying to find her with no success. Linda was worried, tired from the stress and 6 hour drive. We went back to the house at 3:30 am to get some sleep.
At 7:30 am Monday morning, I got a call from Mid- South Mental Health Services that Shell had been brought in and they she had taken an over dose of drugs and refused an ambulance to ER, would I come get her. I woke Linda and we took her to the ER where we sat all day long. The Doctor on duty told Linda that he was going to release her to a Detox Center in Kennett and tat an ambulance would be arriving to take her where she would spend at least 4 to 5 days. Linda and I had talked about try to get her in a long term drug rehab after she got out of detox. The ambulance arrive to pick her up but she refused to go with them, she wanted Linda to take her to Kennet! I was pissed to say the least. How selfish!! I thought. Linda and I both had only had about 3 hours sleep, sat all day at ER, and had come in from long trips and now drive to Kennett MO because she refused her ride!!!!! I said what I thought but took her. Linda and I got her checked in and got home about 11:30pm and went straight to bed.
Tuesday morning at 10 am Gary, Linda and I where at NEA Hosipital b/c I had to have my bone marrow test done. I thought I would die! It was worse than having a baby. They stuck a needle the size of a straw in my hip and did not give me any meds. All I could do was grit my teeth and cry. And after all that they DID NOT GET ANY MARROW!!!! I told Gary that was the last time I was ding that. and he agreed. I spent the rest of the day in bed.
We spent most of Wednesday making phone calls all over the US to the rehabs to see if anyone had a bed, finally, Russellville, Georgia. She had to be there no later than Friday morning or she will lose her bed. So linda and I contacted the detox center and they released her Thursday am.
Linda left and picked Shelly up and took her to GA Thursday.
Friday I slept all day long!!!! Saturday I slept all day long!!!! Sunday I slept all day long!!!
Friday, November 30, 2007
Traveling to Fayettville
It has been an amazing week. Monday we were blessed with a new addition to our family, a little boy name Samuel. My cousins Steve and Amy have been trying for several years to adopt a child and Monday God granted their wish and our prayers. Just another reason to be grateful.
Monday night Maria and I left at 7:00 p.m. for Springdale Arkansas. We had an appointment with Immigration Services at 8 a.m. Tuesday to find out what we can do to legalize this women. It was a long 6 hour trip and I could see how nervous she was about getting there so at one point I pulled over to the side of the road and we prayed for God to give us peace and we stopped worrying about the out come of this very important venture. We went to the appointment just to find out there is nothing short of a marriage that will help her.... So we started praying for a man:)
After the appointment, we went and ate breakfast and decided that she would not have another opportunity to see this part of Arkansas again so we made the most of it.
I must say it was very uneasy to be in the area and not call my son, or know that I would be seeing him. I traveled this way sometimes twice a month to see him, be with him. We had allot of great times eating out, shopping, there where 3 places we always went when I would come to town...1. Kennedy coffee 2. Chi Alpha 3. Olive Garden.
Maria and I went to the University of Arkansas and visited Chi Alpha Christian Ministries and the Brad Dawson Worship Center! It was a wonderful, emotional, exciting time. We were treated like royalty. The center was empty b/c students were in classes but I had the opportunity to visit with the staff and hear how the ministry was growing. Ronnie, the campus pastor, ask me if Brad's picture, that hangs in the Worship Center, was crooked when I walked in? I told him no. He laughed and told me that every time they walk into the center it is crooked. I told him it was Brad's spirit playing a joke on them. I could feel Brad's spirit in this center. How unfair that he spent every waking minute he had at the house(Chi Alpha), played in the Praise and Worship band at Chi Alpha and ministered to countless students all summer, and could not rejoice in the new building. It was a time of reflection, a time of praise, and a sense of pride as I walked through the building. Brad's memory, legacy, and name will live on forever in this beautiful building.
Maria and I spent the rest of the day looking for a bakery that would make a Razorback something that Samuel could eat at his party Friday night. We finally found Chuck's on College Street and they made 12 cupcakes with Razorbacks on them for all the kids. Shh! Don't tell Steve and Amy it's a surprise. We spent the rest of the time looking for something Razorback to put on the cake Joan made.
On our way back to the hotel we stopped in Kennedy Coffee, this cool coffee shop where all the kids hang out. The girls there remembered Brad. They went to school with him and they shared a couple of funny stories of when Brad would come in the coffee shop late at night after work. They looked up his last order on the computer and I got the last thing he ordered, it was awful! Some kind of orange sour mocha thingy. Yuck! I could just see him laughing at me for doing that. He was constantly asking me to try some new drink out on the market and I always made a face b/c it was terrible. I ended up with a mocha coffee.
We went back to the room exhausted so we turned in for the night. Wednesday morning early we went to breakfast and then headed to Eureka Springs. I thought Maria would enjoy seeing the Christ of the Ozarks. It is a 64 foot cement statue that towers over the mountains of the Ozarks. It is magnificent. She was just amazed by it massive stature and humbled by it's beauty. It is truely something to behold, to see it from the highway as you travel.
We then went into Eureka and ate lunch, walked the streets and looked at all the little shops. It is a nice little town to visit, but we didn't have as long to stay as I would have liked b/c we had to pick up those cupcakes by 4 o'clock. So off we went to Fayettville.
We got there just in time! Then I took her to the Arkansas Razorback Basketball game!!!! We decided to go buy Razorback wind suits, the face tatoo, and a Razorback T-shirt. I will share pics when we get them developed.
And what a game it was. Missouri came to town. It was one of those games that kept you on the edge of your seat, we would be up by two points and then down by one, up by seven and then down by 4. But the final 17 seconds of the game were nail biting! My thumb nail still hurts from biting it off in the quick! But WE WON!!! GO HOGS GO!!! Maria really got into watching the fans go crazy, she said she had never experienced anything like it.
After the game we headed back home. She really enjoyed herself and I really enjoyed her. We really had a good time. We got home at 5 am and had a warm welcome when we got here.
Gary had put the Christmas lights up while we were away and left them on for us to see when we drove up. Abby and Buddy ( my dogs) were standing at the door waiting for us, they were so happy to see us that instead of wagging their tails, their whole body wagged:) lol Gary got up to say good morning, he said he didn't sleep well, b/c of the anticipation of us to get home.
All in all , we had a good time but always glad to be home.
Monday night Maria and I left at 7:00 p.m. for Springdale Arkansas. We had an appointment with Immigration Services at 8 a.m. Tuesday to find out what we can do to legalize this women. It was a long 6 hour trip and I could see how nervous she was about getting there so at one point I pulled over to the side of the road and we prayed for God to give us peace and we stopped worrying about the out come of this very important venture. We went to the appointment just to find out there is nothing short of a marriage that will help her.... So we started praying for a man:)
After the appointment, we went and ate breakfast and decided that she would not have another opportunity to see this part of Arkansas again so we made the most of it.
I must say it was very uneasy to be in the area and not call my son, or know that I would be seeing him. I traveled this way sometimes twice a month to see him, be with him. We had allot of great times eating out, shopping, there where 3 places we always went when I would come to town...1. Kennedy coffee 2. Chi Alpha 3. Olive Garden.
Maria and I went to the University of Arkansas and visited Chi Alpha Christian Ministries and the Brad Dawson Worship Center! It was a wonderful, emotional, exciting time. We were treated like royalty. The center was empty b/c students were in classes but I had the opportunity to visit with the staff and hear how the ministry was growing. Ronnie, the campus pastor, ask me if Brad's picture, that hangs in the Worship Center, was crooked when I walked in? I told him no. He laughed and told me that every time they walk into the center it is crooked. I told him it was Brad's spirit playing a joke on them. I could feel Brad's spirit in this center. How unfair that he spent every waking minute he had at the house(Chi Alpha), played in the Praise and Worship band at Chi Alpha and ministered to countless students all summer, and could not rejoice in the new building. It was a time of reflection, a time of praise, and a sense of pride as I walked through the building. Brad's memory, legacy, and name will live on forever in this beautiful building.
Maria and I spent the rest of the day looking for a bakery that would make a Razorback something that Samuel could eat at his party Friday night. We finally found Chuck's on College Street and they made 12 cupcakes with Razorbacks on them for all the kids. Shh! Don't tell Steve and Amy it's a surprise. We spent the rest of the time looking for something Razorback to put on the cake Joan made.
On our way back to the hotel we stopped in Kennedy Coffee, this cool coffee shop where all the kids hang out. The girls there remembered Brad. They went to school with him and they shared a couple of funny stories of when Brad would come in the coffee shop late at night after work. They looked up his last order on the computer and I got the last thing he ordered, it was awful! Some kind of orange sour mocha thingy. Yuck! I could just see him laughing at me for doing that. He was constantly asking me to try some new drink out on the market and I always made a face b/c it was terrible. I ended up with a mocha coffee.
We went back to the room exhausted so we turned in for the night. Wednesday morning early we went to breakfast and then headed to Eureka Springs. I thought Maria would enjoy seeing the Christ of the Ozarks. It is a 64 foot cement statue that towers over the mountains of the Ozarks. It is magnificent. She was just amazed by it massive stature and humbled by it's beauty. It is truely something to behold, to see it from the highway as you travel.
We then went into Eureka and ate lunch, walked the streets and looked at all the little shops. It is a nice little town to visit, but we didn't have as long to stay as I would have liked b/c we had to pick up those cupcakes by 4 o'clock. So off we went to Fayettville.
We got there just in time! Then I took her to the Arkansas Razorback Basketball game!!!! We decided to go buy Razorback wind suits, the face tatoo, and a Razorback T-shirt. I will share pics when we get them developed.
And what a game it was. Missouri came to town. It was one of those games that kept you on the edge of your seat, we would be up by two points and then down by one, up by seven and then down by 4. But the final 17 seconds of the game were nail biting! My thumb nail still hurts from biting it off in the quick! But WE WON!!! GO HOGS GO!!! Maria really got into watching the fans go crazy, she said she had never experienced anything like it.
After the game we headed back home. She really enjoyed herself and I really enjoyed her. We really had a good time. We got home at 5 am and had a warm welcome when we got here.
Gary had put the Christmas lights up while we were away and left them on for us to see when we drove up. Abby and Buddy ( my dogs) were standing at the door waiting for us, they were so happy to see us that instead of wagging their tails, their whole body wagged:) lol Gary got up to say good morning, he said he didn't sleep well, b/c of the anticipation of us to get home.
All in all , we had a good time but always glad to be home.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Graditude- Happy Thanksgiving
On this beautiful Thanksgiving Day morning I want to reflect on all that I have to be grateful for. It has been a very difficult year for me but I have so much to be thankful for.
I am thankful for.....
Jesus... who even on my worst days, loves me, over looks my many faults and forgives me.
Who died a burtial death on an old rugged cross so that I might be forgiven for my sins and live forever with Him in Heaven.
Salvation... the peace of knowing God awaits me on the other side, He has prepared a place for me to spend eternity with Him and all that have gone before me. There will be no more sorrow, tears or pain.
Grace... I am very thankful for Grace...!
United States of America..... who even on its worst days, its better than living anywhere else in the world.
American Soldiers..... who fight for the freedom to write what I feel right now, sacrifice time away from family this holiday season, and who put their life on the line for mine. I am thankful for those that return home safely and respect those who died for the cause.
Freedom... to pray and worship and read my Bible with out the threat of prison or death.
Democracy.... the right to vote and be counted.
My husband.... who even on my worst days, loves me, over looks my faults and forgives me...
who has a heart for worship, and who is a man of integrity. I can't imagine life without him.
My daughter... Kayla, though I didn't give birth to her, she is the light of my life.
My church family.... a group of people I have come to respect, love and enjoy serving with. Godly people who love and serve God with zeal, and excitement.
My sisters.... 3 women that I admire, respect and love.
My family... a group of people that I couldn't have gotten through life without.
My friends... very special people that has blessed my life in ways I couldn't imagine.
Thank you for always standing beside me, even when it wasn't the easiest place to be...
when silence was golden, because words were unnecessary, when it could have been easier to stay away but instead you never left me alone. Thank you for sharing life with me and giving me another reason to look forward to another day.
My Children.... although they are no longer with me physically, I am grateful for their time on earth. Both of their lives had meaning, purpose, and a sense of accomplishment. They make me very proud to be called mother.
In Memory Chad Michael Dawson November 22, 1982-June9,1988
William Bradly Dawson October 22, 1985 - November 14, 2004
My Mother..... I am grateful for a mother who was a mentor to many, a friend to all, who's example of hard work, and love of life still lives on through her daughters. She was a wonderful example of endurance, laughter, love and descentency. She taught us to pray, work hard and love others more than we love ourself.
In Memory of Mary Ida Meyer March 30, 1935 - November 22, 1978.
I am thankful for.....
Jesus... who even on my worst days, loves me, over looks my many faults and forgives me.
Who died a burtial death on an old rugged cross so that I might be forgiven for my sins and live forever with Him in Heaven.
Salvation... the peace of knowing God awaits me on the other side, He has prepared a place for me to spend eternity with Him and all that have gone before me. There will be no more sorrow, tears or pain.
Grace... I am very thankful for Grace...!
United States of America..... who even on its worst days, its better than living anywhere else in the world.
American Soldiers..... who fight for the freedom to write what I feel right now, sacrifice time away from family this holiday season, and who put their life on the line for mine. I am thankful for those that return home safely and respect those who died for the cause.
Freedom... to pray and worship and read my Bible with out the threat of prison or death.
Democracy.... the right to vote and be counted.
My health.... even with all the complications I have had this year, I'm not dead.
My husband.... who even on my worst days, loves me, over looks my faults and forgives me...
who has a heart for worship, and who is a man of integrity. I can't imagine life without him.
My daughter... Kayla, though I didn't give birth to her, she is the light of my life.
My church family.... a group of people I have come to respect, love and enjoy serving with. Godly people who love and serve God with zeal, and excitement.
My sisters.... 3 women that I admire, respect and love.
My family... a group of people that I couldn't have gotten through life without.
My friends... very special people that has blessed my life in ways I couldn't imagine.
Thank you for always standing beside me, even when it wasn't the easiest place to be...
when silence was golden, because words were unnecessary, when it could have been easier to stay away but instead you never left me alone. Thank you for sharing life with me and giving me another reason to look forward to another day.
My Children.... although they are no longer with me physically, I am grateful for their time on earth. Both of their lives had meaning, purpose, and a sense of accomplishment. They make me very proud to be called mother.
In Memory Chad Michael Dawson November 22, 1982-June9,1988
William Bradly Dawson October 22, 1985 - November 14, 2004
My Mother..... I am grateful for a mother who was a mentor to many, a friend to all, who's example of hard work, and love of life still lives on through her daughters. She was a wonderful example of endurance, laughter, love and descentency. She taught us to pray, work hard and love others more than we love ourself.
In Memory of Mary Ida Meyer March 30, 1935 - November 22, 1978.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Remebering God's Blessings
Silent Tears
They were silent tears that fell that day
They fell for my son who passed away
Through gritted teeth that had to say
I’ve lost my child, for him I prayed.
These silent tears that fall like rain
These silent tears that fall like rain
From reddened eyes my cheeks they stain
They signify my constant pain
And yet I wonder if I will arise again.
Though countless tears I have cried
Though countless tears I have cried
Are always wet and never dried
The innocent are on God’s side
We are resolved in a mother’s pride.
Not just something you get over... ever.
God has been at work in my life for the past few weeks cleaning up the mess we have made.
Update:
Gary fixed the brake lights on the van and the heater is working on the other van now,Yeah Gary!
Chris will be watching Kim now 3 days a week, Kim's worker that mistreats her is gone, and it will help Christie's finances because she will be getting paid to do it!!! Win, Win for everyone!!
Audit is still on going but I am saved from paying over $15,000 dollars on 2 contracts because if I don't charge sales tax on my invoices the hospital and ASU pay them for me!!!!! Praising the Lord!!!!
Went to my appointment in Jonesboro Friday Dr. Scroggins, the oncologist, assured me he does not think that I have cancer or Leukemia!!!! He took a gallon of blood and is sending it to St. Louis, Houston, and his lab and testing it. and I went yesterday to have a CT on my head and upper body. Find out Friday, what they find. fingers crossed and prayers going up.
Bought all the lumber, windows and stuff for the enclosing of the garage!! won't be long now!
Started my birthday shopping Monday, Kayla, Gary and Christy... pretty easy...money, money, money!!
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
I have really gotten lazy about writing on this blog. At first I was excited because it was something new and different. I started telling my life story to get naked on the web about who I am but that became to painful. I have to take a breath from that for just a little while anyway, this time of year is pretty raw and full of emotion. Now I just don't know what to talk about.
I guess I can fill you in on what has been going on in my life now. Gary and I finished the building out back. My new office/ work area. It's a 20 x 24 metal building. I have it fixed up pretty nice. And last week an old friend of mine had gotten word that I needed heat in the building. He called out of the clear blue one day last week, he had a commercial unit he had taken out of a school. He came looked at the shop and said it would work if I wanted it. I now have heat!! Now for those of you that are thinking "wow, that was luck" I say to you, "no, that is God".
I told you both my company vans had gone down at the same time, well my husband, not the mechanic, decided he could fix it! Word to the wives, if your husband offers say yes, but have a back=up plan just in case it doesn't turn out like he hoped..... The heat wasn't working on either van, I called the professionals to find out what it would cost to have it fixed ..cost $200.00 for both vans.. Gary insisted he could fix it. Ten days later, I have two new heater coals.. cost 150.00, a new alternator.. cost $ 68.00, two new heater control valve.. cost $15.00 each, and no blinkers or brake lights!!! Go figure that one out. The fact that he tried.....Priceless.
My audit was Wednesday, young man from Jonesboro came and spent the entire day with me looking over my books. I will admit, I am no bookkeeper. But after this, I will take a refresher course in Accounting 101. It was horrible. We only got through 2004 and 2005 when we quit and so far I am owing the IRS $2000.00. Lesson 1. Never trust a contractor. Lesson 2. Keep all receipts. Lesson 3. Write everything down. Lesson 4. Hire someone who is a good book keeper. Part 2 is coming up this Thursday years 2006 and 2007. I can't wait. We both left the office with headaches. Note: God has already provided the money to pay the IRS as long as I don't exceed 5000.00. He is so faithful
My surgery was Thursday on my head. They put me to sleep and removed 28 lesions from my head. It's called Seborrhea Kerotosis. He removed 33 from my right side, chest area and back. They are like moles that get large and crusty. Gross huh. sorry, to much information. I have been pretty sore the last few days. This too shall soon pass.
I slept all day. I needed to. Something I very rarely get any more is a good nights rest. I am going this Friday to have a sleep study done to see why. Doc seems to think I have sleep apnea with insomnia. Long story.
I go to an Oncologist Friday too. That's scary. I'm not really scared, a little concerned maybe.
My philosophy is this.... I have faced allot of bad news in my life... if I can bury my mother,father and two children and survive that...there is absolutely nothing I can't get through because I thought that would kill me. Whatever turns up I know God will see me through it, He always has.
I have had my son Brad on my mind allot lately. Been going through a very emotional time. November 14 it will be 3 years since his death. November 22 it will be 30 years since my mother's death, November 22 is my son's Chad's birthday he would be 25 years old, it's been 19 years since his death. Kayla's birthday is the 20Th of November, she will be 19 and Gary's birthday is November 21, he's 54, and my sister's birthday is the 23rd November. And then there's Christmas.
I hope you are not reading this and rolling your eyes saying to yourself "what a whiner!" I am not whining about this season of my life. That is what this is.... a season. I know this is not going to be forever. Just something God is showing me, teaching, and leading me through right now.
In the book of Ecclesiastic it says "There is a time and a season for everything..." I just came through a season of prosperity, a season of health issues and a season of renewing. And though it was difficult in places, it was worth it. It was a time of intimacy, refreshment, and renewing with my relationship with my Abba Father. He taught me to "be still" and "wait", He taught me limits, and He taught me different ways that God shows His love to me through blessings of friends and encouragement.
No one likes to go through rough times, we would all like to live in Eden, but the truth of the matter is I am a better person on the other side of whatever trial I am going through. If I just let go and let God show me what He wants me to learn. I believe we go through these seasons because God is trying to show us something, to build our character and to make us more like Him. I also believe that it is in the trials that we find out what we are made of. I should be 10 feet tall and bullet proof but for whatever reason I still have a lot more growing to do.
Moral of this Blog: If you are going through a difficult season just remember it won't last forever and there are things to be learned. Allow God to build your character.
I guess I can fill you in on what has been going on in my life now. Gary and I finished the building out back. My new office/ work area. It's a 20 x 24 metal building. I have it fixed up pretty nice. And last week an old friend of mine had gotten word that I needed heat in the building. He called out of the clear blue one day last week, he had a commercial unit he had taken out of a school. He came looked at the shop and said it would work if I wanted it. I now have heat!! Now for those of you that are thinking "wow, that was luck" I say to you, "no, that is God".
I told you both my company vans had gone down at the same time, well my husband, not the mechanic, decided he could fix it! Word to the wives, if your husband offers say yes, but have a back=up plan just in case it doesn't turn out like he hoped..... The heat wasn't working on either van, I called the professionals to find out what it would cost to have it fixed ..cost $200.00 for both vans.. Gary insisted he could fix it. Ten days later, I have two new heater coals.. cost 150.00, a new alternator.. cost $ 68.00, two new heater control valve.. cost $15.00 each, and no blinkers or brake lights!!! Go figure that one out. The fact that he tried.....Priceless.
My audit was Wednesday, young man from Jonesboro came and spent the entire day with me looking over my books. I will admit, I am no bookkeeper. But after this, I will take a refresher course in Accounting 101. It was horrible. We only got through 2004 and 2005 when we quit and so far I am owing the IRS $2000.00. Lesson 1. Never trust a contractor. Lesson 2. Keep all receipts. Lesson 3. Write everything down. Lesson 4. Hire someone who is a good book keeper. Part 2 is coming up this Thursday years 2006 and 2007. I can't wait. We both left the office with headaches. Note: God has already provided the money to pay the IRS as long as I don't exceed 5000.00. He is so faithful
My surgery was Thursday on my head. They put me to sleep and removed 28 lesions from my head. It's called Seborrhea Kerotosis. He removed 33 from my right side, chest area and back. They are like moles that get large and crusty. Gross huh. sorry, to much information. I have been pretty sore the last few days. This too shall soon pass.
I slept all day. I needed to. Something I very rarely get any more is a good nights rest. I am going this Friday to have a sleep study done to see why. Doc seems to think I have sleep apnea with insomnia. Long story.
I go to an Oncologist Friday too. That's scary. I'm not really scared, a little concerned maybe.
My philosophy is this.... I have faced allot of bad news in my life... if I can bury my mother,father and two children and survive that...there is absolutely nothing I can't get through because I thought that would kill me. Whatever turns up I know God will see me through it, He always has.
I have had my son Brad on my mind allot lately. Been going through a very emotional time. November 14 it will be 3 years since his death. November 22 it will be 30 years since my mother's death, November 22 is my son's Chad's birthday he would be 25 years old, it's been 19 years since his death. Kayla's birthday is the 20Th of November, she will be 19 and Gary's birthday is November 21, he's 54, and my sister's birthday is the 23rd November. And then there's Christmas.
I hope you are not reading this and rolling your eyes saying to yourself "what a whiner!" I am not whining about this season of my life. That is what this is.... a season. I know this is not going to be forever. Just something God is showing me, teaching, and leading me through right now.
In the book of Ecclesiastic it says "There is a time and a season for everything..." I just came through a season of prosperity, a season of health issues and a season of renewing. And though it was difficult in places, it was worth it. It was a time of intimacy, refreshment, and renewing with my relationship with my Abba Father. He taught me to "be still" and "wait", He taught me limits, and He taught me different ways that God shows His love to me through blessings of friends and encouragement.
No one likes to go through rough times, we would all like to live in Eden, but the truth of the matter is I am a better person on the other side of whatever trial I am going through. If I just let go and let God show me what He wants me to learn. I believe we go through these seasons because God is trying to show us something, to build our character and to make us more like Him. I also believe that it is in the trials that we find out what we are made of. I should be 10 feet tall and bullet proof but for whatever reason I still have a lot more growing to do.
Moral of this Blog: If you are going through a difficult season just remember it won't last forever and there are things to be learned. Allow God to build your character.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Happy Birthday Brad
Is anyone still interested in what has happened in my life? I'm not. I am going to switch gears for a little while unless I get some feed back on what you have been reading. I feel like know one is listening any more. Bored or something, So FEED Back please or I am going to quit.
I'm sorry for not blogging the last few weeks, I have had allot going on. My son. Brad's Birthday, was October 22... he would have been 22 years old. It was the last weekend we spent together 3 years ago. I drove to Rogers, Arkansas and spent the weekend with him.
It was an awkward weekend. Not the usual laughs.
He introduced me to his girlfriend Brittney. I had heard all about her over the past few months via telephone. He called me every night when he got off work and we would talk until he got to his driveway.
The first night I arrived I wanted to take Brad out to dinner and get caught up on some of the open ended conversations we had that week. He invited Brittney. I wasn't thrilled about this because I wanted to spend time with Brad. I tried to have a conversation with her several times throughout the night, you know the usual .... what do your parents do?... What do you plan to do after college?.... Where did you grow up?... blah..blah...blah. But honestly I wasn't interested. I wanted to hear about my son's stuff. I tried. I was glad when the dinner was over because it was all about her and I was tired of trying to make conversation, with Brad he controls the conversation, I don't have to try so hard. But I wanted to make him happy after all it was his Birthday. We took her home and went back to the motel where we laid across the bed for hours laughing, talking and eating. He closed all the conversations we had started earlier that week and we feel asleep talking about what we were going to do the next day.
We had an enjoyable day at the mall, eating in our favorite restaurant, and hanging out on campus at the Chi Alpha house with his friends and going to see the Razorbacks play football. They lost but it was still fun.
Of course Brad was worried about what I thought of his girlfriend. I assured him she seemed nice enough and if he likes her then i do. But honestly I didn't see this lasting long and I didn't like her. She didn't seem to be Brad's type. I always seen Brad with a girl who enjoyed life the way he did. Someone who would laugh at all his jokes, like hanging out with his friends and someone who could carry a conversation. Brittney was quite, a little on the high maintenance side, and didn't like hanging out with Brad's friends. She wanted her way and I saw Brad giving in allot, too much. And maybe I was jealous. I was jealous of the time she took away from me that weekend.
Sunday we went to church and I left for home. We would continue to call each other every night at 11:45 pm he would call and we would talk all the way to the house. I miss him everyday but this time of year gets pretty hairy for me.
My health is not real good. I have been real sick with vomiting and dirrea for the past 4 weeks. I have lost 11 lbs!!! I love the idea I have lost weight but hate the way I lost it. My doctor has done an ultrasound on my kidneys, liver, spline, gall bladder and stomach. My plates are through the roof and my white count is high and their concern is that they are not coming down. my doctors feel it may be cancer related. So I have an appointment with an oncologist on the 9Th. Please keep me in your prayers.
I am in the middle of an audit on my business, that started on the 31st October. I had head surgery on the 1st of November, they took off 28 sores on my head and 22 off my sides, breast and back. Both of my company vans went down at the same time and my health is in the tubes!
Now it may sound like I'm complaining but I'm not, I'm sharing:)
I have been down for a couple of weeks but I'm not out! I told my husband that I felt like I was in the eye of a hurricane. Have you ever been in the eye of a storm? I have when hurricane Hugo hit Charleston in 1989. When the eye came on shore, it was very calm, still,and peaceful, but you know there was destruction going on all around you. That is how I have felt for several weeks. I am at peace knowing God is watching out for me. He has been very present through it all. I have been standing in the storm at peace, still and calm through it all. People that don't know or understand the character of God question "how, with all your going through, can you be at peace?" And the answer to the question is simply FAITH, TRUST, and ASSURANCE. I know that no matter what the end result is in all of this mess that God is in control.
I am reminded of a popular christian song " I Will Praise You in this Storm" and
"Jesus send the Rain". God is teaching me through all this that it is only in the trials that you find out the stuff you're made of. Well, friends, I must be 10 foot tall and bullet proof!!! :)
Well I must get to bed, I have a busy weekend ahead of me going through paperwork for the Audit.
I won't wait so long to follow up.
I'm sorry for not blogging the last few weeks, I have had allot going on. My son. Brad's Birthday, was October 22... he would have been 22 years old. It was the last weekend we spent together 3 years ago. I drove to Rogers, Arkansas and spent the weekend with him.
It was an awkward weekend. Not the usual laughs.
He introduced me to his girlfriend Brittney. I had heard all about her over the past few months via telephone. He called me every night when he got off work and we would talk until he got to his driveway.
The first night I arrived I wanted to take Brad out to dinner and get caught up on some of the open ended conversations we had that week. He invited Brittney. I wasn't thrilled about this because I wanted to spend time with Brad. I tried to have a conversation with her several times throughout the night, you know the usual .... what do your parents do?... What do you plan to do after college?.... Where did you grow up?... blah..blah...blah. But honestly I wasn't interested. I wanted to hear about my son's stuff. I tried. I was glad when the dinner was over because it was all about her and I was tired of trying to make conversation, with Brad he controls the conversation, I don't have to try so hard. But I wanted to make him happy after all it was his Birthday. We took her home and went back to the motel where we laid across the bed for hours laughing, talking and eating. He closed all the conversations we had started earlier that week and we feel asleep talking about what we were going to do the next day.
We had an enjoyable day at the mall, eating in our favorite restaurant, and hanging out on campus at the Chi Alpha house with his friends and going to see the Razorbacks play football. They lost but it was still fun.
Of course Brad was worried about what I thought of his girlfriend. I assured him she seemed nice enough and if he likes her then i do. But honestly I didn't see this lasting long and I didn't like her. She didn't seem to be Brad's type. I always seen Brad with a girl who enjoyed life the way he did. Someone who would laugh at all his jokes, like hanging out with his friends and someone who could carry a conversation. Brittney was quite, a little on the high maintenance side, and didn't like hanging out with Brad's friends. She wanted her way and I saw Brad giving in allot, too much. And maybe I was jealous. I was jealous of the time she took away from me that weekend.
Sunday we went to church and I left for home. We would continue to call each other every night at 11:45 pm he would call and we would talk all the way to the house. I miss him everyday but this time of year gets pretty hairy for me.
My health is not real good. I have been real sick with vomiting and dirrea for the past 4 weeks. I have lost 11 lbs!!! I love the idea I have lost weight but hate the way I lost it. My doctor has done an ultrasound on my kidneys, liver, spline, gall bladder and stomach. My plates are through the roof and my white count is high and their concern is that they are not coming down. my doctors feel it may be cancer related. So I have an appointment with an oncologist on the 9Th. Please keep me in your prayers.
I am in the middle of an audit on my business, that started on the 31st October. I had head surgery on the 1st of November, they took off 28 sores on my head and 22 off my sides, breast and back. Both of my company vans went down at the same time and my health is in the tubes!
Now it may sound like I'm complaining but I'm not, I'm sharing:)
I have been down for a couple of weeks but I'm not out! I told my husband that I felt like I was in the eye of a hurricane. Have you ever been in the eye of a storm? I have when hurricane Hugo hit Charleston in 1989. When the eye came on shore, it was very calm, still,and peaceful, but you know there was destruction going on all around you. That is how I have felt for several weeks. I am at peace knowing God is watching out for me. He has been very present through it all. I have been standing in the storm at peace, still and calm through it all. People that don't know or understand the character of God question "how, with all your going through, can you be at peace?" And the answer to the question is simply FAITH, TRUST, and ASSURANCE. I know that no matter what the end result is in all of this mess that God is in control.
I am reminded of a popular christian song " I Will Praise You in this Storm" and
"Jesus send the Rain". God is teaching me through all this that it is only in the trials that you find out the stuff you're made of. Well, friends, I must be 10 foot tall and bullet proof!!! :)
Well I must get to bed, I have a busy weekend ahead of me going through paperwork for the Audit.
I won't wait so long to follow up.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Chapter 8.... Life in Charleston
Any body that knows me, knows my love for this beautiful city. I have made countless trios , just spent a vacation with my best friend Cheryl, my cousin Debbie and I went for a week last year and have decided I am going at least once a year for the rest of my life. It charm, and beauty excite me. The ocean, the historical homes, plantations, islands, warm weather and friendly people make Charleston an inviting place to be.
Brad and I had a great time while living there those 3 years. We struggled with where to go and what to do every weekend, because there is so much to do. We spent a lot of time on the beach, at the parks, the duck ponds. We sat on the roof of our apartment and watched the lighting race across the sky. They call it electric heat. We went to Spoleto Festival, July 4Th celebration, Regatta sail boat races, museums, Art walk and the River Dog baseball games.
We spent a week on a private Island off the coast of Georgia. We sailed a house boat from Charleston to the Parson's Island. Friends of mine invited us to sail with them. Gloria and John took a job as caretakers of the island. It had a main house with 10 bedrooms, 7 baths, 2 kitchens, a basement pantry, and 4 sitting rooms. The Parson's own 29 islands last count. There were 4 small house where the maids and butlers lived and they entertain on the island several times a year. When they come to the island they bring an entire staff of servants with them. One thousand acres of the island is give to the Wildlife Preservation. On the shores of the island, there are different shells we could find. Brad and I would get up early in the morning and walk to the North shore where we would pick up hundreds of sand dollars. Brad would sell them to a local artist Jeanie Dickson ( a friend of mine) to paint. At around noon we would walk to the West shore a find sea horses and star fish. And in late evening after high tide we would walk to the South shore and find shells. We made a shadow box of all the things we found on the island. The island was a peaceful, relaxing place to be for a week. It is a memory that will last a lifetime.
My last year in Charleston was the hardest. It seems that everything that could go wrong did. I moved into a townhouse apartment in Goose Creek about 10 miles from my job. Brad started a new school, a good friend of mine from Paragould was looking for a change in scenery and moved to Charleston with her daughter. They lived with us for a few months while she got on her feet. I lost my apartment after only a few months because I broke the rules by letting Debbie move in. I moved in with a friends mother who was diagnosed with Alhemizer's and took care of her until I couldn't anymore. She went into a nursing home. It was the most trying year of my life and I new it was time to leave. So Debbie and I rented a u-haul and home we came.
The memories of Charleston are all I have left. The death of one son and the life of another. I cherish the time I spend their with my memories. I make new memories with everyone I take back with me. Charleston has my heart. The good memories I have really out weigh the bad memories.
Brad and I had a great time while living there those 3 years. We struggled with where to go and what to do every weekend, because there is so much to do. We spent a lot of time on the beach, at the parks, the duck ponds. We sat on the roof of our apartment and watched the lighting race across the sky. They call it electric heat. We went to Spoleto Festival, July 4Th celebration, Regatta sail boat races, museums, Art walk and the River Dog baseball games.
We spent a week on a private Island off the coast of Georgia. We sailed a house boat from Charleston to the Parson's Island. Friends of mine invited us to sail with them. Gloria and John took a job as caretakers of the island. It had a main house with 10 bedrooms, 7 baths, 2 kitchens, a basement pantry, and 4 sitting rooms. The Parson's own 29 islands last count. There were 4 small house where the maids and butlers lived and they entertain on the island several times a year. When they come to the island they bring an entire staff of servants with them. One thousand acres of the island is give to the Wildlife Preservation. On the shores of the island, there are different shells we could find. Brad and I would get up early in the morning and walk to the North shore where we would pick up hundreds of sand dollars. Brad would sell them to a local artist Jeanie Dickson ( a friend of mine) to paint. At around noon we would walk to the West shore a find sea horses and star fish. And in late evening after high tide we would walk to the South shore and find shells. We made a shadow box of all the things we found on the island. The island was a peaceful, relaxing place to be for a week. It is a memory that will last a lifetime.
My last year in Charleston was the hardest. It seems that everything that could go wrong did. I moved into a townhouse apartment in Goose Creek about 10 miles from my job. Brad started a new school, a good friend of mine from Paragould was looking for a change in scenery and moved to Charleston with her daughter. They lived with us for a few months while she got on her feet. I lost my apartment after only a few months because I broke the rules by letting Debbie move in. I moved in with a friends mother who was diagnosed with Alhemizer's and took care of her until I couldn't anymore. She went into a nursing home. It was the most trying year of my life and I new it was time to leave. So Debbie and I rented a u-haul and home we came.
The memories of Charleston are all I have left. The death of one son and the life of another. I cherish the time I spend their with my memories. I make new memories with everyone I take back with me. Charleston has my heart. The good memories I have really out weigh the bad memories.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Chapter 7.... A New Beginning
A new life was something that scared me to death. I had the sole responsibility of raising Brad by myself. I was 34 years old and alone for the first time in my life. But I knew I could do it.
Brad and I lived at home for 2 years, I worked at Redbook in Leachville and Brad stayed with Nan. He started school at Baldwin Elementary. He loved school and his teachers. The teacher that had the biggest influence in his young life was Mrs. Frankie Carter. She made him feel like a king.
One morning Brad ask if he could have an advance on his allowance, "mom, I need two dollars"
after school, we went to Wal-Mart and he spent the entire two dollars on trying to win a ring out of a vending machine and he did. The next morning before school he ask if I had a ring box he could have, I got it for him and out the door he went.
The rest of the story will be the words of Mrs. Frankie..... Brad arrived at school about fifteen minutes early and went to his classroom. Mrs. Frankie was sitting at her desk when Brad arrived. "Mrs. Frankie I know I'm early but can I come in for just a minute please." She told him yes and she watched as he placed the ring box on a desk that belonged to a girl names Jessica.
He then ask Mrs. Frankie not to say anything, she agreed to keep his secret and he left. He was the first to arrive in class after the bell rung and he sat at his desk, peeking from behind a book, waiting for Jessica's reaction to the two dollar ring he had spent his entire allowance on. Jessica and her friends walked to her desk and her reaction was not at all what anyone expected.
"What is this?" She picks up the box and opens it "Oh my gosh, how ugly!" She closes the box and heads to Mrs. Frankie's desk. "Mrs. Frankie, somebody left this ugly ring on my desk, Here I don't want it." Brad sunk down in his chair and looked at Mrs. Frankie in fright, as if to say please don't tell her it was me. Mrs. Frankie scowled Jessica about being so rude and took the box. Later that morning, Frankie ask Brad if he would help her get the projector from the Library. On their way Frankie pulls the box from her pocket and says "Brad I think this belongs to you. Don't let Jessica upset you, I think it is a beautiful ring and any one else would be honored to wear it." Brad took the box and they were on their way back from the Library when Brad said " Mrs. Frankie, I know you are married to coach Cater, but as a friendship ring would you like to have it?" Mrs. Frankie said yes, and she wore that ring everyday the rest of the school year. I have never forgotten her show of kindness to my son and neither did he.
In 1993, I was suffering allot of depression, anxiety, and discontentment with my job and Paragould. Rick had been calling telling me he was going to take a ship in Japan and would be gone for 3 years. I thought this would be a good opportunity to move back to Charleston, he wasn't leaving until October, Brad would get out of school in a couple of weeks and while I was trying to settle in and find a job, Brad could stay with Rick for the summer. Sounded so good at the time.
I gave notice on my job at Redbook on Monday and on Friday I was moved out our apartment and on our way back to Charleston. My family was furious. They didn't understand the need I had to go back. The only way I could describe it is when I left Charleston in 1988 after the death of my son Chad, it was so sudden, just weeks after he was buried we were living in Virginia. I had always felt like I had left something. I longed to go back for closure more than anything. I believed it was the reason for the depression I was suffering. I couldn't make my family understand it was going to take more than a weeks vacation to find the closure I needed. So I left with family upset. Everyone except my grandma Lil. She told me it would be the best thing I could do. I could always count on grandma Lil to see things for what they were and not selfish motive.
We got to Charleston and it was everything I had remembered, beautiful buildings, warm ocean breezes, the smell of salt water in the air and lots of things to do that didn't cost money. Brad went to his dad's and I went to Cindy's. I stayed there for a month, got a job within days of arrival and worked and saved money to get our own place.
I found an apartment just a block from where Brad would start school, Orange Grove Elementary. It is the same school Chad would have started. They have now built an in door swimming pool for swimming lessons to Kindergarten through 2 ND grade students in Memory of Chad Michael Dawson. We were surprised. There is a plaque on the wall in his memory. What a blessing to be remembered in such a wonderful way. The school said they had tried to contact us but had no way of getting in touch.
It was a bitter sweet 3 years. A struggle to say the least. 6 weeks after I moved back to Charleston, Rick called to tell me he was getting out of the Navy, the movers would be there in 3 weeks to move them back to Paragould!. I ask if he was retiring and he said, "you wish, I'm getting out on VSI so you can't touch my money." I spent the next 2 years fighting for my half of his retirement. I won, every October I receive a check from the Navy for the rest of his life. For the next 3 years he would not send any child support. It was a constant battle with Rick, it wasn't enough that he was cheating on his family, he didn't want to support his only child after the divorce either. What a cad!
But I made it just fine without him. God seen me through some very difficult financial situations and provided. I had to have emergency surgery in November. I called Rick to ask him to send child support for the next couple of months because I was taken off work for 8 weeks.
He didn't and I was scared I would lose my apartment, car, everything. I went in to the hospital and had the surgery and and the day of my release I came home to find my apartment had been broken into. Police were every where. I walked into our apartment to find our TV, VCR, Brad's TV, bike (it took me 9 weeks to pay off his bike at a pawn shop at 10 dollars a week it was his birthday present) and Nintendo, my rent money, and my emerald diamond ring was all gone. I just sat down on the side of the bed crying wondering who could do this.
The Week's family, from my church, that Brad was staying with while I was in the hospital, brought food a couple of nights a week for us. I was so depressed and scared wondering if they would come back and hurt us. I knew I didn't have any way to come up with any money they stole all the good stuff. I prayed for God to some how help us through this time of need.
The next morning I went to my landlord and explained or plead my case on why I didn't have the rent. he looked puzzled and said Vicki your rent is paid this month. I told her she must be thinking of someone else, "No she said "a gray haired gentleman came in a few days ago and paid it through January!!!!" All I could do was cry. and praise God o his mercy and grace.
Brad was very concerned about our money problems too, he knew we were struggling. Everyday after school he would come in kiss me and tell me he was going to the community center. On Friday afternoon, my neighbor across the hall ask if we would like to go to the grocery store with her, cause I couldn't drive yet and I said yes I needed to pick up a few items.
So I walked over to the community center to get Brad and Tommy told me he had not been there all week! I was in a panic. I couldn't imagine Brad lying to me about where he had been. Every night he would come home he would tell me he had a good time and what he did at the CC. I told Annette to go on without me Brad would be home before the street lights come on, so I waited. He came in the house sweaty like he had been all week. "Son, Where have you been?"
"Community Center" "Really, well, I went over there to get you and Tom said you haven't been there all week. So, I'm going to ask you again where have you been?" His head dropped, his hands slipped into his pocket, and he pulled out a wad of money...ten's, twenties, fives, ones...he just kept pulling money out of pants pocket. My eye;s widened, my mouth dropped and I screamed "Brad where did you get this money!!!?" He replied with a soft tender voice, "Mom, I know you can't work, and we don't have much money til you go back to work, so I been raking yards after school. It pays pretty good, I get 4.00 a bag. I rake the leaves, bag 'em, and set them by the curve and they furnish the bags." I've raked 5 yards this week and we made 225.00 dollars and I have 2 yards to rake tomorrow'. I couldn't believe my ears or my eye's. All I could do was cry. I was so humbled by it all. It was one of my proudest moments.
That Christmas our church youth group came by the house brought a tree, hand made ornaments, and presents to place under the tree. Every now and then some one who put a hundred dollar bill in my bible or a twenty in my purse. The Week's invited us over for Christmas diner, they were good friends , Gene told Brad to go to the garage to get a foot stool when he open the door there sat a brand new bike, Nintendo and TV. They replaced that which was stolen. Brad couldn't do anything but cry. And well you know by now I did too.
As difficult of a time as we were having, God provided... not just money, He provided tender hearts, caring people, love, love, love. It was poured out on us like a spring shower. It was the best Christmas I ever had and Brad would tell you the same.
We learnt what the true meaning of Christmas was that year.....It's not about what we didn't have but what we did have. God's promises. He has never failed to provide what I needed. And that year I needed to see Him in action, and I did. He provided us with the reassuring faith that no matter the circumstance, He can do the impossible. He provided us with lifelong friends. And a family away from family. He showed us who He was through His people and was sutle about it.
Moral to this Blog: "God will provide all your needs according to His riches in Heaven"
Brad and I lived at home for 2 years, I worked at Redbook in Leachville and Brad stayed with Nan. He started school at Baldwin Elementary. He loved school and his teachers. The teacher that had the biggest influence in his young life was Mrs. Frankie Carter. She made him feel like a king.
One morning Brad ask if he could have an advance on his allowance, "mom, I need two dollars"
after school, we went to Wal-Mart and he spent the entire two dollars on trying to win a ring out of a vending machine and he did. The next morning before school he ask if I had a ring box he could have, I got it for him and out the door he went.
The rest of the story will be the words of Mrs. Frankie..... Brad arrived at school about fifteen minutes early and went to his classroom. Mrs. Frankie was sitting at her desk when Brad arrived. "Mrs. Frankie I know I'm early but can I come in for just a minute please." She told him yes and she watched as he placed the ring box on a desk that belonged to a girl names Jessica.
He then ask Mrs. Frankie not to say anything, she agreed to keep his secret and he left. He was the first to arrive in class after the bell rung and he sat at his desk, peeking from behind a book, waiting for Jessica's reaction to the two dollar ring he had spent his entire allowance on. Jessica and her friends walked to her desk and her reaction was not at all what anyone expected.
"What is this?" She picks up the box and opens it "Oh my gosh, how ugly!" She closes the box and heads to Mrs. Frankie's desk. "Mrs. Frankie, somebody left this ugly ring on my desk, Here I don't want it." Brad sunk down in his chair and looked at Mrs. Frankie in fright, as if to say please don't tell her it was me. Mrs. Frankie scowled Jessica about being so rude and took the box. Later that morning, Frankie ask Brad if he would help her get the projector from the Library. On their way Frankie pulls the box from her pocket and says "Brad I think this belongs to you. Don't let Jessica upset you, I think it is a beautiful ring and any one else would be honored to wear it." Brad took the box and they were on their way back from the Library when Brad said " Mrs. Frankie, I know you are married to coach Cater, but as a friendship ring would you like to have it?" Mrs. Frankie said yes, and she wore that ring everyday the rest of the school year. I have never forgotten her show of kindness to my son and neither did he.
In 1993, I was suffering allot of depression, anxiety, and discontentment with my job and Paragould. Rick had been calling telling me he was going to take a ship in Japan and would be gone for 3 years. I thought this would be a good opportunity to move back to Charleston, he wasn't leaving until October, Brad would get out of school in a couple of weeks and while I was trying to settle in and find a job, Brad could stay with Rick for the summer. Sounded so good at the time.
I gave notice on my job at Redbook on Monday and on Friday I was moved out our apartment and on our way back to Charleston. My family was furious. They didn't understand the need I had to go back. The only way I could describe it is when I left Charleston in 1988 after the death of my son Chad, it was so sudden, just weeks after he was buried we were living in Virginia. I had always felt like I had left something. I longed to go back for closure more than anything. I believed it was the reason for the depression I was suffering. I couldn't make my family understand it was going to take more than a weeks vacation to find the closure I needed. So I left with family upset. Everyone except my grandma Lil. She told me it would be the best thing I could do. I could always count on grandma Lil to see things for what they were and not selfish motive.
We got to Charleston and it was everything I had remembered, beautiful buildings, warm ocean breezes, the smell of salt water in the air and lots of things to do that didn't cost money. Brad went to his dad's and I went to Cindy's. I stayed there for a month, got a job within days of arrival and worked and saved money to get our own place.
I found an apartment just a block from where Brad would start school, Orange Grove Elementary. It is the same school Chad would have started. They have now built an in door swimming pool for swimming lessons to Kindergarten through 2 ND grade students in Memory of Chad Michael Dawson. We were surprised. There is a plaque on the wall in his memory. What a blessing to be remembered in such a wonderful way. The school said they had tried to contact us but had no way of getting in touch.
It was a bitter sweet 3 years. A struggle to say the least. 6 weeks after I moved back to Charleston, Rick called to tell me he was getting out of the Navy, the movers would be there in 3 weeks to move them back to Paragould!. I ask if he was retiring and he said, "you wish, I'm getting out on VSI so you can't touch my money." I spent the next 2 years fighting for my half of his retirement. I won, every October I receive a check from the Navy for the rest of his life. For the next 3 years he would not send any child support. It was a constant battle with Rick, it wasn't enough that he was cheating on his family, he didn't want to support his only child after the divorce either. What a cad!
But I made it just fine without him. God seen me through some very difficult financial situations and provided. I had to have emergency surgery in November. I called Rick to ask him to send child support for the next couple of months because I was taken off work for 8 weeks.
He didn't and I was scared I would lose my apartment, car, everything. I went in to the hospital and had the surgery and and the day of my release I came home to find my apartment had been broken into. Police were every where. I walked into our apartment to find our TV, VCR, Brad's TV, bike (it took me 9 weeks to pay off his bike at a pawn shop at 10 dollars a week it was his birthday present) and Nintendo, my rent money, and my emerald diamond ring was all gone. I just sat down on the side of the bed crying wondering who could do this.
The Week's family, from my church, that Brad was staying with while I was in the hospital, brought food a couple of nights a week for us. I was so depressed and scared wondering if they would come back and hurt us. I knew I didn't have any way to come up with any money they stole all the good stuff. I prayed for God to some how help us through this time of need.
The next morning I went to my landlord and explained or plead my case on why I didn't have the rent. he looked puzzled and said Vicki your rent is paid this month. I told her she must be thinking of someone else, "No she said "a gray haired gentleman came in a few days ago and paid it through January!!!!" All I could do was cry. and praise God o his mercy and grace.
Brad was very concerned about our money problems too, he knew we were struggling. Everyday after school he would come in kiss me and tell me he was going to the community center. On Friday afternoon, my neighbor across the hall ask if we would like to go to the grocery store with her, cause I couldn't drive yet and I said yes I needed to pick up a few items.
So I walked over to the community center to get Brad and Tommy told me he had not been there all week! I was in a panic. I couldn't imagine Brad lying to me about where he had been. Every night he would come home he would tell me he had a good time and what he did at the CC. I told Annette to go on without me Brad would be home before the street lights come on, so I waited. He came in the house sweaty like he had been all week. "Son, Where have you been?"
"Community Center" "Really, well, I went over there to get you and Tom said you haven't been there all week. So, I'm going to ask you again where have you been?" His head dropped, his hands slipped into his pocket, and he pulled out a wad of money...ten's, twenties, fives, ones...he just kept pulling money out of pants pocket. My eye;s widened, my mouth dropped and I screamed "Brad where did you get this money!!!?" He replied with a soft tender voice, "Mom, I know you can't work, and we don't have much money til you go back to work, so I been raking yards after school. It pays pretty good, I get 4.00 a bag. I rake the leaves, bag 'em, and set them by the curve and they furnish the bags." I've raked 5 yards this week and we made 225.00 dollars and I have 2 yards to rake tomorrow'. I couldn't believe my ears or my eye's. All I could do was cry. I was so humbled by it all. It was one of my proudest moments.
That Christmas our church youth group came by the house brought a tree, hand made ornaments, and presents to place under the tree. Every now and then some one who put a hundred dollar bill in my bible or a twenty in my purse. The Week's invited us over for Christmas diner, they were good friends , Gene told Brad to go to the garage to get a foot stool when he open the door there sat a brand new bike, Nintendo and TV. They replaced that which was stolen. Brad couldn't do anything but cry. And well you know by now I did too.
As difficult of a time as we were having, God provided... not just money, He provided tender hearts, caring people, love, love, love. It was poured out on us like a spring shower. It was the best Christmas I ever had and Brad would tell you the same.
We learnt what the true meaning of Christmas was that year.....It's not about what we didn't have but what we did have. God's promises. He has never failed to provide what I needed. And that year I needed to see Him in action, and I did. He provided us with the reassuring faith that no matter the circumstance, He can do the impossible. He provided us with lifelong friends. And a family away from family. He showed us who He was through His people and was sutle about it.
Moral to this Blog: "God will provide all your needs according to His riches in Heaven"
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Chapter 6...Life and Death
In January 1985, I was pregnant with our second child. Rick left in March for a 8 month Med cruise and I moved home to Paragould to be with family. Chad and I moved to an apartment upstairs from Nan and for the next 7 months I continued to grow bigger and enjoy being with family.
On October 22 I gave birth to a 8 lb 10 oz boy William Bradly Dawson. Chad was thrilled to have a brother and I was thrilled to have this baby. This pregnancy was not as easy as the first. I had allot of complications.
Rick returned home in November and spent the holidays on a 30 day leave and we returned home to Charleston after Christmas.
In April of 1988, Rick went to Norfolk Virginia for a Ship Yard overhaul on the ship. He was only to be there for about 6 months so we decided that the children an I would stay behind and get ready for school and t-ball.
June 6, 1988 our son Chad dies in a drowning accident. ( read June 4,5,6 blogs for details)
I t would change who we were the rest of our lives. We became distant, bitter, sad people and our marriage would not survive it.
Within weeks of Chad's death, the Navy came in and packed up our house and moved us to Norfolk Virginia. Where we lived for 1 year. It was a very difficult time. Rick left for Orlando for 3 weeks for a school and Brad and I took the Amtrak to Orlando and spent two weeks pool side.
It kept our minds off of our loss for a short time.
In 1990, we moved to Batesville, Arkansas were Rick was a Navy Recruiter. I liked living closer to home. Rick was never home so Brad and I spent allot of time in Paragould with family.
But like so many times before, while I was away, Rick would play. One weekend, Rick had said he was going to have to be in Little Rock all weekend and that Brad and I should go home. Upon arriving in Paragould, we found that our entire family had gone to the lake for the weekend so we returned to Batesville. When I walked into the house, Rick was sitting in civilian clothes and smelling like a french whore. I questioned him as to why he was home instead of LR and he said the kid changed his mind. I walked back to the bedroom and the phone rang. Rick and I picked it up at the same time. A ladies voice says " what are you doing I have been waiting for over 20 minutes on you? Are you coming or not?" He said, "Vicki just came home give me another 10 minutes and I will meet you." and he hung up. My heart sunk. I walked down the hall and calmly ask "who was that?" He said "oh it was Mac, he is at the bar and wants me to come up for a beer."
At this point in our marriage I didn't care anymore, I was so tired of competing with the young skirts he has been chasing our entire marriage. He left and the next morning I retained a divorce lawyer. It was over. I was sad for my son, he had lost a brother and now a father in a year. We moved to Paragould. Our divorce was final on May 10, 1991, my birthday and on May 30, 1991 he remarried. The death of a 16 year relationship was over.
On October 22 I gave birth to a 8 lb 10 oz boy William Bradly Dawson. Chad was thrilled to have a brother and I was thrilled to have this baby. This pregnancy was not as easy as the first. I had allot of complications.
Rick returned home in November and spent the holidays on a 30 day leave and we returned home to Charleston after Christmas.
In April of 1988, Rick went to Norfolk Virginia for a Ship Yard overhaul on the ship. He was only to be there for about 6 months so we decided that the children an I would stay behind and get ready for school and t-ball.
June 6, 1988 our son Chad dies in a drowning accident. ( read June 4,5,6 blogs for details)
I t would change who we were the rest of our lives. We became distant, bitter, sad people and our marriage would not survive it.
Within weeks of Chad's death, the Navy came in and packed up our house and moved us to Norfolk Virginia. Where we lived for 1 year. It was a very difficult time. Rick left for Orlando for 3 weeks for a school and Brad and I took the Amtrak to Orlando and spent two weeks pool side.
It kept our minds off of our loss for a short time.
In 1990, we moved to Batesville, Arkansas were Rick was a Navy Recruiter. I liked living closer to home. Rick was never home so Brad and I spent allot of time in Paragould with family.
But like so many times before, while I was away, Rick would play. One weekend, Rick had said he was going to have to be in Little Rock all weekend and that Brad and I should go home. Upon arriving in Paragould, we found that our entire family had gone to the lake for the weekend so we returned to Batesville. When I walked into the house, Rick was sitting in civilian clothes and smelling like a french whore. I questioned him as to why he was home instead of LR and he said the kid changed his mind. I walked back to the bedroom and the phone rang. Rick and I picked it up at the same time. A ladies voice says " what are you doing I have been waiting for over 20 minutes on you? Are you coming or not?" He said, "Vicki just came home give me another 10 minutes and I will meet you." and he hung up. My heart sunk. I walked down the hall and calmly ask "who was that?" He said "oh it was Mac, he is at the bar and wants me to come up for a beer."
At this point in our marriage I didn't care anymore, I was so tired of competing with the young skirts he has been chasing our entire marriage. He left and the next morning I retained a divorce lawyer. It was over. I was sad for my son, he had lost a brother and now a father in a year. We moved to Paragould. Our divorce was final on May 10, 1991, my birthday and on May 30, 1991 he remarried. The death of a 16 year relationship was over.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Chapter 5...Birth and Betrayal
After only 3 weeks of trying to be big sister, mom and still trying to deal with my own demons, I failed miserably. Christi wouldn't listen, Kim and Angie just wanted out. We called Nan, my mothers sister and ask for help. She came to our rescue. She and Uncle Bill moved into the house. And I was so grateful.
It wasn't long that Christi and Phil married in May of 79 after graduation. So we spent time planning a large wedding at Harmon's Park, with 6 bride maids, 6 grooms, flower girls and more. It was beautiful and so was she.
In September 1979 Rick returned from a 8 month deployment and we moved back to Charleston into a much nicer section of the city. We worked, saved our money and got to know each other a little better. I had gotten pregnant 5 times but had lost them within the first 3 months of pregnancy. The last pregnancy, I was 6 months along and miscarried, I was in the hospital for 3 days, because I had lost so much blood. Rick and I had begin to think we would not be able to have children.
I met friends that would share our lives for the next 12 years.
Chuck and Diane, Randy and Janet, Charles and Beth, Dave and Cindy, John and Dedra, Dennis and Denise. When the guys deployed, the girls would gather and play cards, shop, and go out twice a month to eat and drink.
In 1980, one couple at a time, we were transferred to Orlando Florida for a three year tour. We all lived on the Navy base and all of us lived on the same street except Randy and Janet. Rick became a Company Commander and was promoted to First Class Petty Officer. He became a real jerk while we were there. He told 80 boys what to do and when to do it, and thought it would work with me. We really struggled in our marriage.
In January 1982, I found out I was pregnant with our first child along with Diane, Dedra, Denise, Beth and Janet. We had baby showers, went shopping together and craved watermelon. I was ordered to bed for the first 6 months. Within 6 months of each other we all had our babies. 3 girls and 3 boys were born.
I thought this child would save my marriage. Things were not good in the Dawson household, allot of arguing about the way he talked to me. He treated me like I was a recruit. Ordering me around. After he graduated his last company , he was transferred to a teaching job, and instructor on the base. That helped, he was home at a decent hour every night, and off on weekends.
On November 22, I gave birth to a beautiful 8 lb 12 oz boy. Chad Michael Dawson.
I remember laying there with him in my arms crying and Dr. Kivet saying to me, " I know this was the day your mother died, you are going to be so busy with birthday parties that you are not going to have time to grieve her death any longer." We brought Chad home Thanksgiving Day.
Things seemed be getting better. I was going to church with my neighbor.
One Wednesday night after church Brenda and I had returned home. She took Chad and I grabbed what looked like mail and a dipper bag from the floorboard and went in the house. I got Chad ready for bed and decided to read the mail. Much to my surprise, it was 2 letters and a card addressed to Rick. There it was in black and white, love letters from a PO 3rd class Rosa Garcia telling my husband how much she has enjoyed their relationship, how much she loved him and what a good mother she would be to MY son. I was absolutely floored, angry, hurt, shocked and confused.
Brenda and I were up all night long trying to figure out what to do, Rick had 24 hour duty so he wouldn't be home until the next day. I believe God planned it that way. For the next four days I would stay silence about what I knew, I didn't let on like there was anything wrong. That following Tuesday Rick had duty again. Brenda took care of Chad and I drove to Jacksonville, Florida to meet P O 3rd class Garcia in person. She didn't know I was coming and Rick didn't know I was going. I arrived on the USS Yosemite Sam at 11:00 am and requested to see Fireman Garcia. She came topside and walked up behind me on the deck. "Excuse me, are you looking for me?" she said. As I turned around, I saw this short, dark haired, olive skinned, brown eyed young girl who looked to be 20 standing there. "Are you Rosa Garcia?" " Yes" "I'm Petty Officer !st class Rick Dawson's wife." Her eyes widened, as they glanced down at her feet. I proceeded with, "I am not here to beat you up, or cause you any physical harm, but I am here to hear the truth as to your affair with my husband." "I didn't.." "And before you say anything else, I just want you to know that what you and my husband have done is an infraction and you both can be thrown out of the Navy with dishonorable discharge." "Mrs. Dawson, I have only just begun my career and.." Look, I am going to be at the McDonald's here on base until 12:30, if you will come and sit and talk with me I will leave and go home and sort this out with my husband, if you don't come and talk with me , pack your sea bag because you both will be going home." I left with that said and went to the McDonald's on base. At noon she entered, and we talked about how she and Rick started seeing each other. She was one of his students and they would eat lunch together and talk, one thing lead to another and they were sleeping together while I was pregnant with our child.
I drove back to Orlando that day, thinking about what she had told and putting together in my mind things I remember he told me he was doing, while they were together. Later that day, Rick came home from work. When he walked in I told him we needed to talk. After hearing the same story from him as I had heard from her, I had a decision to make as to whether I could forgive him the affair and continue on with this marriage, needless to say I did. But things were allot different after that. He wasn't as demanding. And I wasn't as trusting.
After we had spent our 3 years in Orlando, we all moved back to Charleston. Now we are mothers and raising our children together. Birthday parties, the park, shopping for our children and enjoying our time together. Life seemed more focused on the children rather than our husbands. And our marriage was better.
It wasn't long that Christi and Phil married in May of 79 after graduation. So we spent time planning a large wedding at Harmon's Park, with 6 bride maids, 6 grooms, flower girls and more. It was beautiful and so was she.
In September 1979 Rick returned from a 8 month deployment and we moved back to Charleston into a much nicer section of the city. We worked, saved our money and got to know each other a little better. I had gotten pregnant 5 times but had lost them within the first 3 months of pregnancy. The last pregnancy, I was 6 months along and miscarried, I was in the hospital for 3 days, because I had lost so much blood. Rick and I had begin to think we would not be able to have children.
I met friends that would share our lives for the next 12 years.
Chuck and Diane, Randy and Janet, Charles and Beth, Dave and Cindy, John and Dedra, Dennis and Denise. When the guys deployed, the girls would gather and play cards, shop, and go out twice a month to eat and drink.
In 1980, one couple at a time, we were transferred to Orlando Florida for a three year tour. We all lived on the Navy base and all of us lived on the same street except Randy and Janet. Rick became a Company Commander and was promoted to First Class Petty Officer. He became a real jerk while we were there. He told 80 boys what to do and when to do it, and thought it would work with me. We really struggled in our marriage.
In January 1982, I found out I was pregnant with our first child along with Diane, Dedra, Denise, Beth and Janet. We had baby showers, went shopping together and craved watermelon. I was ordered to bed for the first 6 months. Within 6 months of each other we all had our babies. 3 girls and 3 boys were born.
I thought this child would save my marriage. Things were not good in the Dawson household, allot of arguing about the way he talked to me. He treated me like I was a recruit. Ordering me around. After he graduated his last company , he was transferred to a teaching job, and instructor on the base. That helped, he was home at a decent hour every night, and off on weekends.
On November 22, I gave birth to a beautiful 8 lb 12 oz boy. Chad Michael Dawson.
I remember laying there with him in my arms crying and Dr. Kivet saying to me, " I know this was the day your mother died, you are going to be so busy with birthday parties that you are not going to have time to grieve her death any longer." We brought Chad home Thanksgiving Day.
Things seemed be getting better. I was going to church with my neighbor.
One Wednesday night after church Brenda and I had returned home. She took Chad and I grabbed what looked like mail and a dipper bag from the floorboard and went in the house. I got Chad ready for bed and decided to read the mail. Much to my surprise, it was 2 letters and a card addressed to Rick. There it was in black and white, love letters from a PO 3rd class Rosa Garcia telling my husband how much she has enjoyed their relationship, how much she loved him and what a good mother she would be to MY son. I was absolutely floored, angry, hurt, shocked and confused.
Brenda and I were up all night long trying to figure out what to do, Rick had 24 hour duty so he wouldn't be home until the next day. I believe God planned it that way. For the next four days I would stay silence about what I knew, I didn't let on like there was anything wrong. That following Tuesday Rick had duty again. Brenda took care of Chad and I drove to Jacksonville, Florida to meet P O 3rd class Garcia in person. She didn't know I was coming and Rick didn't know I was going. I arrived on the USS Yosemite Sam at 11:00 am and requested to see Fireman Garcia. She came topside and walked up behind me on the deck. "Excuse me, are you looking for me?" she said. As I turned around, I saw this short, dark haired, olive skinned, brown eyed young girl who looked to be 20 standing there. "Are you Rosa Garcia?" " Yes" "I'm Petty Officer !st class Rick Dawson's wife." Her eyes widened, as they glanced down at her feet. I proceeded with, "I am not here to beat you up, or cause you any physical harm, but I am here to hear the truth as to your affair with my husband." "I didn't.." "And before you say anything else, I just want you to know that what you and my husband have done is an infraction and you both can be thrown out of the Navy with dishonorable discharge." "Mrs. Dawson, I have only just begun my career and.." Look, I am going to be at the McDonald's here on base until 12:30, if you will come and sit and talk with me I will leave and go home and sort this out with my husband, if you don't come and talk with me , pack your sea bag because you both will be going home." I left with that said and went to the McDonald's on base. At noon she entered, and we talked about how she and Rick started seeing each other. She was one of his students and they would eat lunch together and talk, one thing lead to another and they were sleeping together while I was pregnant with our child.
I drove back to Orlando that day, thinking about what she had told and putting together in my mind things I remember he told me he was doing, while they were together. Later that day, Rick came home from work. When he walked in I told him we needed to talk. After hearing the same story from him as I had heard from her, I had a decision to make as to whether I could forgive him the affair and continue on with this marriage, needless to say I did. But things were allot different after that. He wasn't as demanding. And I wasn't as trusting.
After we had spent our 3 years in Orlando, we all moved back to Charleston. Now we are mothers and raising our children together. Birthday parties, the park, shopping for our children and enjoying our time together. Life seemed more focused on the children rather than our husbands. And our marriage was better.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Chapter 4...How Quickly Things Change
1976 was a Bi-Centennial year. The nation was celebrating its 200Th birthday and I was celebrating graduating! It was a summer of change in allot of ways. Cheryl had gotten pregnant and married, we didn't see as much of each other anymore, Mona and Becky had moved on, my new friends were wild, party crazy people who spent their nights drinking and days sleeping it off. And I was right in the middle of it all.
I started college at Southern Baptist in Walnut Ridge. I don't know why I choose college as apposed to work. I didn't attend half of my classes for the first 2 weeks. It seemed as though I thought I was on vacation..slept in, didn't study, stayed up late at night, hung out with the girls down the hall and wrote letters to my boyfriend of 4 years who was in the Navy.
Oh, yea, I don't think I have mentioned him, his name is Rick Dawson. We started dating when I was a freshman. It was an on again, off again relationship. I imagine I was pretty complex, to say the least. I didn't know how to treat a man. I grew up in a house with 5 women. He was 2 years older than me and after he graduated in 1974, he joined the Navy.
It had been at least a year since we had seen each other and I would write him often just to have something to do. He called my mother allot and they would talk forever about me and how I was doing. I was in love with this guy. He had allot of good qualities... he wore Colone..Old Spice, he always looked fresh, clean cut, he worked very hard..Big Star and Pizza Palace...he paid for his own car, and he was a good kisser:) He was a man of integrity and he loved me. But our relationship became very difficult after the rape. I was afraid for him to touch me. We broke up a few months later but remained close.
I barely made it through college and in the summer on 1978 Rick and I talked every weekend by phone. He was stationed in California and was transferring to Charleston, SC in the early fall. We would talk for hours about everything and nothing. I was living in Princeton, working at a youth camp.
One night mother called me. She said with excitement," Guess who I just hung up the phone with?"
I said " well, it could have been anyone of a hundred people, so why don't you just tell me who it was?"
"Rick "
"Well. I have been waiting for his call since 7 o'clock, why did he call you?"
" He called to ask my permission."
"For what?"
"For you to move to Charleston and live "
Need less to say this conversation lasted for several more hours with the topic being why I couldn't do that and mother convincing me that I should. She felt like it would be the best thing for us. Now, mother knew Rick and I had not had sex. And that was at the for front of my mind.
I wasn't concerned about how well we would get along, it was that I had never been with a man like that. Although with a lot of counseling, I was coming to grips with what had happen 4 years earlier, I didn't believe I was ready for an intimate relationship. I knew that living with him,well it would come up.
Rick called the next night. And he popped the question. "Will you move to Charleston and lets start our life together, I love you, I always have." He told me not to give him an answer right away, but to think about it. He had purchased a ticket to fly out in September and if I said yes he would meet me at the airport.
I packed my bags and I was on that plane to Charleston and I would figure out what to do about the sex when it became an issue. I arrived in Charleston and Rick and a friend was waiting with open arms. He looked good. We loaded my things and drove to our new apartment. Much to my surprise, we didn't live in the nice part of Charleston, we lived outside the Navy base were the prostitutes, and wall to wall bars are. Our apartment was nice but the neighborhood was not.
It was a one bedroom apartment, so I ask . " where are you going to sleep?" I could have knocked him over with a feather. Needless to say we worked things out;)
Two weeks after arriving in a new city where I knew NO ONE, Rick comes home and announces that he is going on a 3 MONTH deployment.!!!!! He would be back before Christmas!! I could not believe my ears, "you mean to tell me you have brought me to Charleston for two weeks and you are leaving for 3 months!!!? What amI going to do, this is not the best neighborhood, I haven't left this apartment for anything since I arrrived and I have a total of 200.00 dollars and no job and no car and no phone." He assured me everything was going to be fine as soon as he got paid he would send money on the first and 15th of every month. I was absolutly terrified, outside of college, 45 minutes away from home, I had never been away from home.
Well he left. I got to know my neighbor across the lot from us, they were Navy, from Texas and we became friends. Note: God puts people in your life for a season and a reason. They play a very important role in my life, although at the time, I didn't understand why things happened the strange way they did but God knew.
Rick had been gone for almost a month, Sherry, Brad and I had become very good friends. She would show me what I was missing on the other side of town, drive me to the store, and take me places I needed to go.
It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving, I was feeling very depressed and alone. Sherry and Brad had invited friends over from his ship and they ask me to join them for a cookout. I reluctantly accepted. Shortly after diner I ask if they minded if I used their phone to call home collect. I knew it would be the last opportunity to do so, because Sherry and Brad where leaving in the morning to go home for the hoildays.
I called mom and we talked for over two hours. We laughed, cried and she encouraged me to stay strong. My mother was the mother that all your friends could talk to about anything, when she smiled she lit up a room and when she laughed it was contagous. She was respected in the community, and loved by everyone she knew. She was the bright star in our family and admired for the way she raised 4 daughters on her own.
I told her if I had the money to come home I would and I knew she didn't have the money to send me. We ended our talk with tears and I sat on the bed for a few minutes trying to get my composure before re-entering the cookout. Sherry ask if I was ok and I told her I needed to call it a night, I was upset and wouldn't be much company. I said my good byes and returned home.
Tuesday morning at 4:30AM, I hear a loud knock at my front door. I got up and ask who it was. "Tommy Smith, remember me from the cookout at Sherry and Brad's?" "Yeah, what do you want?" I shouted through the door. "Listen , I don't have much time I am going on leave and then meeting my ship in port, I will be gone for 3 months, if you will just open the door I have an envelope that will explain everything." Just leave it at the door and when you leave I will get it. "okay, hey. I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving." After he rode off, I opened the door to find the envelope. In it was $200.00, a set of keys, and a note that simple said " you don't know me, but I know how it feels to be homesick. Please take this money and the keys to my truck and go home for the holidays. When you return, just give the keys to Sherry, but feel free to use my truck any time you need to while I'm gone. Sherry will explain. Sincerely, Tom Smith"
I couldn't believe what I was reading! Sherry couldn't explain they left yesterday for Texas.
My mind began to trip out. I couldn't go back to sleep, the what if's began to scream at me, and what would Rick think when he finds out? I weighed everything carefully and my last thought was " why not!" So I packed my suitcase and was going to surprise the whole family when I drive up to the house for Thankgiving. I was so excited, I had not been home in two months and had only spoken to mother twice. I couldn't hardly wait, I thought about the expressions on every ones face when I arrived and how glad I would be to see my sisters.
I didn't leave until late afternoon Wednesday, because I couldn't sleep the night before so I slept in to get some rest before the trip. I had never driven this before so I was unsure how to get there from here. I flew to Charleston. I drove all night long stopping a hundred times to make sure I was going the right way. But when I got to Memphis I knew my way home! I went through Lepanto because I wanted to surprise my Aunt Joella who lived in Black Oak. It was about 8.am, and I had found a radio staion out of Jonesboro. The news was on and the announcer said "Two Paragould women, whose names we can not give at this time, have been killed in a two car accident 1 mile south of Brookland." My heart sank, I felt sad for the family.
I pulled into Aunt Joella's drive and went into the house, yelling "was any body home!" Expecting to see my aunt, a lady I had never seen before or since, walk out of the hall way.
Mame, I am so sorry. Does Joella and Dub Gibbs still live here?
Yes they do.
Are they here?
No honey, Joella's sister was killed in an accident early this morning and she is with her family.
Which sister!!
Oh, I don't know, the one that worked at Rosilyn's Dress shop for so long, her daughter is living out of state and they don't know how to get in touch with her....
Is it Mary Ida?? yes I believe it is....
Mame, my name is Vicki, I am Mary Ida's daughter, I drove in from Charleston and are you sure?
Oh, honey I am so sorry
Where is your phone..
I dialed the house and Nan, my mother's sister answered the phone..
Hello, Nan? Vicki Where are you? I'm at Joella's let me speak to Mom.
She hands the phone to Uncle Dub...Vicki stay there Randal and I are coming that way and....
No, I have driven from Charleston here I can drive to Paragould LET ME TALK TO MOM
Vicki I can't she is not here..
I hung up the phone and left with out saying a word. I remember it was drizzling rain and cold. I don't remember the drive to Paragould at all. It was by the grace of God I made it at all. I stopped at the end of our street. I convinced myself that I was just tired and my mind was playing tricks on me that I would pull up in front of the house and everybody would be there for Thanksgiving diner like always.
I got out of the car and at the door was the Paster's from East Side Church, Rick Fry walked out to the yard and told me the news. I fainted in his arms.
I had learned later that a drunk driver had crossed the yellow line and hit my mother and her best friend head on. They were coming back from Jonesboro after attending a fashion show, that my mother had modeled in.
November 22, 1978 would be forever a changing day in the lives of my whole family. My sisters and I were now with no parents, something we had always feared growing up after our father died.
Only God knew how we would we get through this one. I don't remember alot about things that happened during that time, I only remember my family didn't leave our side. Days after the funeral, Angie went to St.Louis with my cousin, weeks later Christy and Kim moved in with Nan.
Someone contacted the Navy and told Rick what had happened and he flew home on leave to be with me. On December 3, a week after mother died we got married in the house. On December 10, He left and went home to Charleston alone. I stayed to care for my sisters.
Moral of this Blog: God is in control of your life. He is watching over his children. You may not understand why things happen to you, or the people you encounter, or how things are going to turn out. But God knows.
I started college at Southern Baptist in Walnut Ridge. I don't know why I choose college as apposed to work. I didn't attend half of my classes for the first 2 weeks. It seemed as though I thought I was on vacation..slept in, didn't study, stayed up late at night, hung out with the girls down the hall and wrote letters to my boyfriend of 4 years who was in the Navy.
Oh, yea, I don't think I have mentioned him, his name is Rick Dawson. We started dating when I was a freshman. It was an on again, off again relationship. I imagine I was pretty complex, to say the least. I didn't know how to treat a man. I grew up in a house with 5 women. He was 2 years older than me and after he graduated in 1974, he joined the Navy.
It had been at least a year since we had seen each other and I would write him often just to have something to do. He called my mother allot and they would talk forever about me and how I was doing. I was in love with this guy. He had allot of good qualities... he wore Colone..Old Spice, he always looked fresh, clean cut, he worked very hard..Big Star and Pizza Palace...he paid for his own car, and he was a good kisser:) He was a man of integrity and he loved me. But our relationship became very difficult after the rape. I was afraid for him to touch me. We broke up a few months later but remained close.
I barely made it through college and in the summer on 1978 Rick and I talked every weekend by phone. He was stationed in California and was transferring to Charleston, SC in the early fall. We would talk for hours about everything and nothing. I was living in Princeton, working at a youth camp.
One night mother called me. She said with excitement," Guess who I just hung up the phone with?"
I said " well, it could have been anyone of a hundred people, so why don't you just tell me who it was?"
"Rick "
"Well. I have been waiting for his call since 7 o'clock, why did he call you?"
" He called to ask my permission."
"For what?"
"For you to move to Charleston and live "
Need less to say this conversation lasted for several more hours with the topic being why I couldn't do that and mother convincing me that I should. She felt like it would be the best thing for us. Now, mother knew Rick and I had not had sex. And that was at the for front of my mind.
I wasn't concerned about how well we would get along, it was that I had never been with a man like that. Although with a lot of counseling, I was coming to grips with what had happen 4 years earlier, I didn't believe I was ready for an intimate relationship. I knew that living with him,well it would come up.
Rick called the next night. And he popped the question. "Will you move to Charleston and lets start our life together, I love you, I always have." He told me not to give him an answer right away, but to think about it. He had purchased a ticket to fly out in September and if I said yes he would meet me at the airport.
I packed my bags and I was on that plane to Charleston and I would figure out what to do about the sex when it became an issue. I arrived in Charleston and Rick and a friend was waiting with open arms. He looked good. We loaded my things and drove to our new apartment. Much to my surprise, we didn't live in the nice part of Charleston, we lived outside the Navy base were the prostitutes, and wall to wall bars are. Our apartment was nice but the neighborhood was not.
It was a one bedroom apartment, so I ask . " where are you going to sleep?" I could have knocked him over with a feather. Needless to say we worked things out;)
Two weeks after arriving in a new city where I knew NO ONE, Rick comes home and announces that he is going on a 3 MONTH deployment.!!!!! He would be back before Christmas!! I could not believe my ears, "you mean to tell me you have brought me to Charleston for two weeks and you are leaving for 3 months!!!? What amI going to do, this is not the best neighborhood, I haven't left this apartment for anything since I arrrived and I have a total of 200.00 dollars and no job and no car and no phone." He assured me everything was going to be fine as soon as he got paid he would send money on the first and 15th of every month. I was absolutly terrified, outside of college, 45 minutes away from home, I had never been away from home.
Well he left. I got to know my neighbor across the lot from us, they were Navy, from Texas and we became friends. Note: God puts people in your life for a season and a reason. They play a very important role in my life, although at the time, I didn't understand why things happened the strange way they did but God knew.
Rick had been gone for almost a month, Sherry, Brad and I had become very good friends. She would show me what I was missing on the other side of town, drive me to the store, and take me places I needed to go.
It was the Sunday before Thanksgiving, I was feeling very depressed and alone. Sherry and Brad had invited friends over from his ship and they ask me to join them for a cookout. I reluctantly accepted. Shortly after diner I ask if they minded if I used their phone to call home collect. I knew it would be the last opportunity to do so, because Sherry and Brad where leaving in the morning to go home for the hoildays.
I called mom and we talked for over two hours. We laughed, cried and she encouraged me to stay strong. My mother was the mother that all your friends could talk to about anything, when she smiled she lit up a room and when she laughed it was contagous. She was respected in the community, and loved by everyone she knew. She was the bright star in our family and admired for the way she raised 4 daughters on her own.
I told her if I had the money to come home I would and I knew she didn't have the money to send me. We ended our talk with tears and I sat on the bed for a few minutes trying to get my composure before re-entering the cookout. Sherry ask if I was ok and I told her I needed to call it a night, I was upset and wouldn't be much company. I said my good byes and returned home.
Tuesday morning at 4:30AM, I hear a loud knock at my front door. I got up and ask who it was. "Tommy Smith, remember me from the cookout at Sherry and Brad's?" "Yeah, what do you want?" I shouted through the door. "Listen , I don't have much time I am going on leave and then meeting my ship in port, I will be gone for 3 months, if you will just open the door I have an envelope that will explain everything." Just leave it at the door and when you leave I will get it. "okay, hey. I hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving." After he rode off, I opened the door to find the envelope. In it was $200.00, a set of keys, and a note that simple said " you don't know me, but I know how it feels to be homesick. Please take this money and the keys to my truck and go home for the holidays. When you return, just give the keys to Sherry, but feel free to use my truck any time you need to while I'm gone. Sherry will explain. Sincerely, Tom Smith"
I couldn't believe what I was reading! Sherry couldn't explain they left yesterday for Texas.
My mind began to trip out. I couldn't go back to sleep, the what if's began to scream at me, and what would Rick think when he finds out? I weighed everything carefully and my last thought was " why not!" So I packed my suitcase and was going to surprise the whole family when I drive up to the house for Thankgiving. I was so excited, I had not been home in two months and had only spoken to mother twice. I couldn't hardly wait, I thought about the expressions on every ones face when I arrived and how glad I would be to see my sisters.
I didn't leave until late afternoon Wednesday, because I couldn't sleep the night before so I slept in to get some rest before the trip. I had never driven this before so I was unsure how to get there from here. I flew to Charleston. I drove all night long stopping a hundred times to make sure I was going the right way. But when I got to Memphis I knew my way home! I went through Lepanto because I wanted to surprise my Aunt Joella who lived in Black Oak. It was about 8.am, and I had found a radio staion out of Jonesboro. The news was on and the announcer said "Two Paragould women, whose names we can not give at this time, have been killed in a two car accident 1 mile south of Brookland." My heart sank, I felt sad for the family.
I pulled into Aunt Joella's drive and went into the house, yelling "was any body home!" Expecting to see my aunt, a lady I had never seen before or since, walk out of the hall way.
Mame, I am so sorry. Does Joella and Dub Gibbs still live here?
Yes they do.
Are they here?
No honey, Joella's sister was killed in an accident early this morning and she is with her family.
Which sister!!
Oh, I don't know, the one that worked at Rosilyn's Dress shop for so long, her daughter is living out of state and they don't know how to get in touch with her....
Is it Mary Ida?? yes I believe it is....
Mame, my name is Vicki, I am Mary Ida's daughter, I drove in from Charleston and are you sure?
Oh, honey I am so sorry
Where is your phone..
I dialed the house and Nan, my mother's sister answered the phone..
Hello, Nan? Vicki Where are you? I'm at Joella's let me speak to Mom.
She hands the phone to Uncle Dub...Vicki stay there Randal and I are coming that way and....
No, I have driven from Charleston here I can drive to Paragould LET ME TALK TO MOM
Vicki I can't she is not here..
I hung up the phone and left with out saying a word. I remember it was drizzling rain and cold. I don't remember the drive to Paragould at all. It was by the grace of God I made it at all. I stopped at the end of our street. I convinced myself that I was just tired and my mind was playing tricks on me that I would pull up in front of the house and everybody would be there for Thanksgiving diner like always.
I got out of the car and at the door was the Paster's from East Side Church, Rick Fry walked out to the yard and told me the news. I fainted in his arms.
I had learned later that a drunk driver had crossed the yellow line and hit my mother and her best friend head on. They were coming back from Jonesboro after attending a fashion show, that my mother had modeled in.
November 22, 1978 would be forever a changing day in the lives of my whole family. My sisters and I were now with no parents, something we had always feared growing up after our father died.
Only God knew how we would we get through this one. I don't remember alot about things that happened during that time, I only remember my family didn't leave our side. Days after the funeral, Angie went to St.Louis with my cousin, weeks later Christy and Kim moved in with Nan.
Someone contacted the Navy and told Rick what had happened and he flew home on leave to be with me. On December 3, a week after mother died we got married in the house. On December 10, He left and went home to Charleston alone. I stayed to care for my sisters.
Moral of this Blog: God is in control of your life. He is watching over his children. You may not understand why things happen to you, or the people you encounter, or how things are going to turn out. But God knows.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Chapter 3...The taking of Innocences
I made it to High School and started to come out of my shell. Still the class clown and had meet several new friends, 3 that would become life long....Cheryl Rogers (Davis), Mona Dehart (Mangrum), Becky Davis (Varner) and we were inseparable. Cheryl and I were closer and Becky and Mona were close but we all got along. We would walk to each others house, spend the night and sit up all night long and talk about the boys. One night they had all came to my house and we walked over to Cheryl's through the graveyard. As we were on our way, Becky dared me to go into the Mausoleum, well anything to get a laugh. I did, and they closed the door behind me and it locked. I was locked in for over 3 hours, while they left to go get help! Left me there by myself, I was scared! Mom called the Mayor at 11:30 pm, to find out who took care of the graveyard and he lived in Lafe, Ark. Finally at 1:30 am he showed up to unlock the door. I was constantly doing something that would give someone else a laugh but get me in trouble.
It was the winter of 1974, we had one of the biggest snows Paragould had seen in several years. I had spent the night with Cheryl. I had called home and mom needed me to come home to help her with something but her car was snowed in the drive way and Cheryl's mom was at work, so I told her I would walk home. We only lived about 20 minutes walking distance through the the woods and neighborhoods.
I left Cheryl's house and walked beside the hospital down 9 Th street. A boy I went to school with was riding his new sleigh down the hill. His name was Steve, he stood 6 ft tall and weighed about 200 lbs. and a little on the weird side. He ask me if I wanted to ride the hill with him and I said sure why not. He sat behind me and stirred the sleigh. When we got to almost the bottom of the hill he turned the sleigh into a parked car to keep from landing in a deep ditch. I slammed into the side of the tire and twisted my ankle. He was very sorry but it was the only way he knew to keep us out of the ditch, he offered to walk me home but I said no and he insisted to at least walk me to Seibert's Grocery. As we walked we talked about everything from school, friends, etc. Along the way he picked up a rock and began to toss it in the air and said " In this neighborhood you have to be very careful." I found it strange being we had not heard of anything bad happening in this neighborhood. We got to Siebert's and the store was closed. I began to thank him for walking me this far, but I could make it home from here. He went one way and I went the other. My ankle was pretty swelled up and I was having allot of difficulty walking on it by now. I was about another 10 minutes from the house and it was extremely cold and slick with ice on everything. I crossed over to Kennedy Street and proceeded up the street when suddenly Steve came up behind me wailing the rock he picked up earlier, and began to hit me on the head with it. Striking me over 4 times, and knocking me to the ground. He was trying to remove my clothes, tearing my blouse and hitting me at the same time. I managed to get up somehow and run through a back yard. He got up and started to chase me. I turned to see how far behind me he was and ran in to a clothes line and it knocked me back to the ground. In an instant, he was back on top of me hitting me over and over again in the head with the rock. I never lost conciseness for a moment. Fully aware of what was taking place he pinned me to the snow and raped me. Leaving, he threw the rock into the woods and walked away calmly. Naked, cold, bleeding and hurt, I managed to walk to a house and beat on their glass door. An elderly couple open the door and I fainted . They wrapped me in a blanket and called the police. An ambulance took me to Arkansas hospital and a police officer went to the house to get my mother and sisters and brought them to the hospital. For several hours, doctors and nurses worked on closing the gaping holes in my head and the police stayed with my mom trying to calm her.
After some time the doctors and nurses left my room leaving me alone. Suddenly, Steve walked into the emergency room and into my room. The whole time he was apologizing for what he had done, and me screaming to the top of my lungs. Police, doctors, nurses all rushed back in to find him standing over me sobbing. The police arrested him and took him away.
For several months I couldn't attend school, because the police released him to his father and he started back to school. We went to trial in less than a month after the rape and he was sentenced to 5 years in a mental hospital.
Moral of this Blog: listen to your instincts...
It was the winter of 1974, we had one of the biggest snows Paragould had seen in several years. I had spent the night with Cheryl. I had called home and mom needed me to come home to help her with something but her car was snowed in the drive way and Cheryl's mom was at work, so I told her I would walk home. We only lived about 20 minutes walking distance through the the woods and neighborhoods.
I left Cheryl's house and walked beside the hospital down 9 Th street. A boy I went to school with was riding his new sleigh down the hill. His name was Steve, he stood 6 ft tall and weighed about 200 lbs. and a little on the weird side. He ask me if I wanted to ride the hill with him and I said sure why not. He sat behind me and stirred the sleigh. When we got to almost the bottom of the hill he turned the sleigh into a parked car to keep from landing in a deep ditch. I slammed into the side of the tire and twisted my ankle. He was very sorry but it was the only way he knew to keep us out of the ditch, he offered to walk me home but I said no and he insisted to at least walk me to Seibert's Grocery. As we walked we talked about everything from school, friends, etc. Along the way he picked up a rock and began to toss it in the air and said " In this neighborhood you have to be very careful." I found it strange being we had not heard of anything bad happening in this neighborhood. We got to Siebert's and the store was closed. I began to thank him for walking me this far, but I could make it home from here. He went one way and I went the other. My ankle was pretty swelled up and I was having allot of difficulty walking on it by now. I was about another 10 minutes from the house and it was extremely cold and slick with ice on everything. I crossed over to Kennedy Street and proceeded up the street when suddenly Steve came up behind me wailing the rock he picked up earlier, and began to hit me on the head with it. Striking me over 4 times, and knocking me to the ground. He was trying to remove my clothes, tearing my blouse and hitting me at the same time. I managed to get up somehow and run through a back yard. He got up and started to chase me. I turned to see how far behind me he was and ran in to a clothes line and it knocked me back to the ground. In an instant, he was back on top of me hitting me over and over again in the head with the rock. I never lost conciseness for a moment. Fully aware of what was taking place he pinned me to the snow and raped me. Leaving, he threw the rock into the woods and walked away calmly. Naked, cold, bleeding and hurt, I managed to walk to a house and beat on their glass door. An elderly couple open the door and I fainted . They wrapped me in a blanket and called the police. An ambulance took me to Arkansas hospital and a police officer went to the house to get my mother and sisters and brought them to the hospital. For several hours, doctors and nurses worked on closing the gaping holes in my head and the police stayed with my mom trying to calm her.
After some time the doctors and nurses left my room leaving me alone. Suddenly, Steve walked into the emergency room and into my room. The whole time he was apologizing for what he had done, and me screaming to the top of my lungs. Police, doctors, nurses all rushed back in to find him standing over me sobbing. The police arrested him and took him away.
For several months I couldn't attend school, because the police released him to his father and he started back to school. We went to trial in less than a month after the rape and he was sentenced to 5 years in a mental hospital.
Moral of this Blog: listen to your instincts...
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Chapter 2 ... Shattered Dreams
I'm sorry it took so long to start chapter 2.... when you go that deep into memory it takes a little time to absorb the shock of what you have suppressed for many years. I am thankful that I have someone that I can talk to about the emotional side of getting real.
Paragould Arkansas 1964, a culture shock to say the least. We move into a rent house two doors down from the White Way Inn, a local tavern on Hwy 49, while our new house was being built. Their where six women living in a two bedroom, one bath house! My mother, us four girls and my cousin Joan. Joan was 16 at the time and decided she wanted to live with us so she could help mom. I was her favorite, she let me stay up late, sleep in the living room with her, and would take me riding around with her friends. In exchange for not telling on her! Pretty fair trade off I thought.
I was still pretty rebellious and more angry, after we moved. Every time I didn't like what was going on or things didn't go my way I would scream " That's it, I'm running away!" I would go to my room, pack my run away bag... 1 pair of panties, 5 socks, my favorite stuffed animal ( pig) and my bank that had $ .79c and to the front door I would go, announcing that "I was not coming back! I'm going back to my Grandma Lil's and you can't stop me!"
One night mother didn't stop me. She told me that if that was the only thing that would make me happy, to go on. I walked out of the front door and walked up the hill to the White Way Inn and sat at the bar. The bartender ask was I lost? I told him no I was running away from home, he ask where I lived and I told him two doors down. He sent someone to my house to tell my mother where I was so she wouldn't worry. I'm sure as many times as my mother went into the taverns to get my dad, she never thought she would be doing the same with her 7 yr old daughter! She busted my butt all the way to the house. It was the last time I ran away from home.
I was a very mixed up, sad, child with a secret. I didn't feel like I fit in real well at school. All the kids seem to be so happy, and I felt so sad. I didn't have any friends until the school year was almost over. That summer we moved into our new neighborhood. I was a beautiful 4 bedroom bath and half, den with fireplace, formal living room, and a big yard. I thought we were rich.
My playmates were ALL BOYS! We were the only girls on the whole block and they hated us!!! Jimmy Lou Fisher was our next door neighbor, She was my mom's best friend, then there were John and Bobby Martin, Mike Malone, J.D. Stephenson, Danny and Steve Sparler, and David Smith. The first week we were there, they tied my feet and hands behind my back and left me a block from my house, I had to belly crawl home, shot all the windows out of our new home with a b b gun, and threw rotten apples at me every time I walked to the mail box. I was in the 4Th grade before they excepted the fact we were here to stay.
I some how managed to get past 3rd grade the second time around, and made it through elementary with very few friends. I wet the bed until I was 9 years old and continued to have nightmares until I was 10.
I started middle school and played in the band, I played trumpet. I started making new friends, that's when I learned that if I make people laugh they will like me, so I became the class clown.
Girls started inviting me over to there house to spend the night and eating lunch with me. I would do almost anything to get a laugh. As long as I could make people laugh I didn't think about how sad I was.
We grew up in East Side Baptist church, it where my mothers entire family attended every time the doors where open, I got involved with Girls Auxiliary, sang with a youth group.It was 1970.We called our group the Messenger's. We sang at all the youth rallies,and traveled to different churches in northeast Ark and around. I felt like I was finally starting to fell normal. Our group consisted of Diane Magg, Jackie Hunter, Dianna Wheeler, Rick Fry, Charles Cook, and Johnny Gibson, and me. I sang alto. It was the best time of my life. We were together for 3 years .
It was the summer of 1972, my sister Christi started dating a guy a couple of years older than her, Danny Wood. He was a bright, nice looking, country boy from Tech. He didn't swear, smoke, or drink and loved to race cars. He was head over heels in love with Christi. He joined the Army right out of High school and would come home every weekend to visit Chris. Danny was 3 weeks from getting out of the Army on a hardship so he could marry Christi and move home. His weekends where spent getting letters and statements from people he knew to help him get out of the Army, he got so desperate he shot himself in the foot while on leave so he could get out on a disability.
One weekend the fair was in town and he came in to take us, he brought a friend who was in the army with him for me to meet. We doubled that weekend. We came home with large stuffed animals, and trophy's they had won for us. That night at the fair on the top of the ferris wheel, Danny ask Christi to marry him and gave her a ring. You could hear her voice echo over the city as she said YES! That night Danny and his friend left late going back to the base in Ft. Lenard wood, Kentucky. Chris and Danny had words about him leaving so late. Christy and I laid in bed talking about what a great weekend we had and made plans for the wedding that would take place when he returned home for the last time in 3 weeks. She was so excited and I was excited for her. We feel asleep listening to their song on the radio, " Wild fire".
That morning at around 5 am the phone rang, it was Danny's friend. Danny was in a hospital in Jackson Tennessee fighting for his life, he was driving in access of 100 mph and feel asleep behind the wheel. He hit a concrete culvert and flipped his car 5 times, he was thrown from the car and it landed on top of him. Mother, Christi and I drove all morning to arrive at the hospital at noon that day. He was in ICU, his brain was swelling and they didn't expect him to make it through the night. Christi could not go in to the room to see him, so they hooked up a telephone and held it to his ear. When he heard Christy's voice his monitors would respond with activity. Danny died that morning of sever head trauma. I will never forget the screams that rang through the halls of that hospital. Christi was never the same after Danny died. She became very depressed and suicidal. It would take our entire family to help her through this very difficult time. I think it would change her life forever and mine too.
Moral of this Blog: Only the good die young...
Paragould Arkansas 1964, a culture shock to say the least. We move into a rent house two doors down from the White Way Inn, a local tavern on Hwy 49, while our new house was being built. Their where six women living in a two bedroom, one bath house! My mother, us four girls and my cousin Joan. Joan was 16 at the time and decided she wanted to live with us so she could help mom. I was her favorite, she let me stay up late, sleep in the living room with her, and would take me riding around with her friends. In exchange for not telling on her! Pretty fair trade off I thought.
I was still pretty rebellious and more angry, after we moved. Every time I didn't like what was going on or things didn't go my way I would scream " That's it, I'm running away!" I would go to my room, pack my run away bag... 1 pair of panties, 5 socks, my favorite stuffed animal ( pig) and my bank that had $ .79c and to the front door I would go, announcing that "I was not coming back! I'm going back to my Grandma Lil's and you can't stop me!"
One night mother didn't stop me. She told me that if that was the only thing that would make me happy, to go on. I walked out of the front door and walked up the hill to the White Way Inn and sat at the bar. The bartender ask was I lost? I told him no I was running away from home, he ask where I lived and I told him two doors down. He sent someone to my house to tell my mother where I was so she wouldn't worry. I'm sure as many times as my mother went into the taverns to get my dad, she never thought she would be doing the same with her 7 yr old daughter! She busted my butt all the way to the house. It was the last time I ran away from home.
I was a very mixed up, sad, child with a secret. I didn't feel like I fit in real well at school. All the kids seem to be so happy, and I felt so sad. I didn't have any friends until the school year was almost over. That summer we moved into our new neighborhood. I was a beautiful 4 bedroom bath and half, den with fireplace, formal living room, and a big yard. I thought we were rich.
My playmates were ALL BOYS! We were the only girls on the whole block and they hated us!!! Jimmy Lou Fisher was our next door neighbor, She was my mom's best friend, then there were John and Bobby Martin, Mike Malone, J.D. Stephenson, Danny and Steve Sparler, and David Smith. The first week we were there, they tied my feet and hands behind my back and left me a block from my house, I had to belly crawl home, shot all the windows out of our new home with a b b gun, and threw rotten apples at me every time I walked to the mail box. I was in the 4Th grade before they excepted the fact we were here to stay.
I some how managed to get past 3rd grade the second time around, and made it through elementary with very few friends. I wet the bed until I was 9 years old and continued to have nightmares until I was 10.
I started middle school and played in the band, I played trumpet. I started making new friends, that's when I learned that if I make people laugh they will like me, so I became the class clown.
Girls started inviting me over to there house to spend the night and eating lunch with me. I would do almost anything to get a laugh. As long as I could make people laugh I didn't think about how sad I was.
We grew up in East Side Baptist church, it where my mothers entire family attended every time the doors where open, I got involved with Girls Auxiliary, sang with a youth group.It was 1970.We called our group the Messenger's. We sang at all the youth rallies,and traveled to different churches in northeast Ark and around. I felt like I was finally starting to fell normal. Our group consisted of Diane Magg, Jackie Hunter, Dianna Wheeler, Rick Fry, Charles Cook, and Johnny Gibson, and me. I sang alto. It was the best time of my life. We were together for 3 years .
It was the summer of 1972, my sister Christi started dating a guy a couple of years older than her, Danny Wood. He was a bright, nice looking, country boy from Tech. He didn't swear, smoke, or drink and loved to race cars. He was head over heels in love with Christi. He joined the Army right out of High school and would come home every weekend to visit Chris. Danny was 3 weeks from getting out of the Army on a hardship so he could marry Christi and move home. His weekends where spent getting letters and statements from people he knew to help him get out of the Army, he got so desperate he shot himself in the foot while on leave so he could get out on a disability.
One weekend the fair was in town and he came in to take us, he brought a friend who was in the army with him for me to meet. We doubled that weekend. We came home with large stuffed animals, and trophy's they had won for us. That night at the fair on the top of the ferris wheel, Danny ask Christi to marry him and gave her a ring. You could hear her voice echo over the city as she said YES! That night Danny and his friend left late going back to the base in Ft. Lenard wood, Kentucky. Chris and Danny had words about him leaving so late. Christy and I laid in bed talking about what a great weekend we had and made plans for the wedding that would take place when he returned home for the last time in 3 weeks. She was so excited and I was excited for her. We feel asleep listening to their song on the radio, " Wild fire".
That morning at around 5 am the phone rang, it was Danny's friend. Danny was in a hospital in Jackson Tennessee fighting for his life, he was driving in access of 100 mph and feel asleep behind the wheel. He hit a concrete culvert and flipped his car 5 times, he was thrown from the car and it landed on top of him. Mother, Christi and I drove all morning to arrive at the hospital at noon that day. He was in ICU, his brain was swelling and they didn't expect him to make it through the night. Christi could not go in to the room to see him, so they hooked up a telephone and held it to his ear. When he heard Christy's voice his monitors would respond with activity. Danny died that morning of sever head trauma. I will never forget the screams that rang through the halls of that hospital. Christi was never the same after Danny died. She became very depressed and suicidal. It would take our entire family to help her through this very difficult time. I think it would change her life forever and mine too.
Moral of this Blog: Only the good die young...
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Chapter 1 ... Meet Me In St. Louis
It 's one thing to tell you're innermost secrets, it's quite another to get real. I gave a general description of my past, I can run through the titles but unless you hear the stories that are behind the past, you still don't know me. It's still just surface. I want people to know who I am, the struggles I've been through, the lessons I've learned, the journey I have known, good and bad. That's what make people , people. I'm just people. My stories may not be anything that you have had to endure in your life so far but you may know someone who is going through something similar. Perhaps it will help you. help them. So over the course of the next few weeks I am going to be very real, candid, and naked. I'm going to take my clothes one peice at a time. I'm going to tell my story...no secrets, no lies. Just real.
St. Louis Missiouri 1956, this is where I was born. My mother and father met when my mother moved to St. Louis to live with my aunt Mackie and work. My father lived across the street and my mom thought he was the most handsome man she had ever seen. And he was. They fell in love and married in 1956.
I was the first daughter of four. A year and half later my sister Christy was born, 2 years later Kim, our special sister. She was born down syndrome, 2 years later Angie.
I didn't like Christy to much growing up, she was always a drama queen, cried to get her way, prissy, center of attention, and a tattle-tale. I was very mean to Christy growing up, I made her eat dog poop once, told her it was bubble gum, shoved her head in a toilet for telling mom that I sold their wedding pictures to the neighbor kids for a quarter so I could buy candy at the local store.
Even when we did get along for short periods of time we always managed to get in trouble and it always seem to be my fault... Once we were playing house, I always had to be the dad, and we were pretending like we were going to the store, so we went out to my fathers 1958 Red Chevy, that always shine like a new penny, and I got behind the wheel and Christy sat on the passengers side, pretending she was rolling her hair and off we went. I pulled the shift down into drive and we began to roll. Parked in front of my fathers car was a new 1958 Blue Mercury that belonged to our neighbor across the street. He just happened to be in the yard watching us play and seen the car was moving. He ran, grabbed the bumper of our car and held it until his son could run to our house and tell my dad what was happening. Dad ran out open the car door put the car in park and told us to stay there until he got back. Now Christy didn't have a clue that she was about to get a belt across her butt, and when Dad came back to get us, he grabbed Chris first, all Christy was worried about was he was messing up her hair! She is still like that to this day.
Through the next few years, my mother found out that looks weren't everything.
My father was an alcoholic, womanizer, couldn't hold a job and would leave us for days at a time.
St. Louis Missiouri 1956, this is where I was born. My mother and father met when my mother moved to St. Louis to live with my aunt Mackie and work. My father lived across the street and my mom thought he was the most handsome man she had ever seen. And he was. They fell in love and married in 1956.
I was the first daughter of four. A year and half later my sister Christy was born, 2 years later Kim, our special sister. She was born down syndrome, 2 years later Angie.
I didn't like Christy to much growing up, she was always a drama queen, cried to get her way, prissy, center of attention, and a tattle-tale. I was very mean to Christy growing up, I made her eat dog poop once, told her it was bubble gum, shoved her head in a toilet for telling mom that I sold their wedding pictures to the neighbor kids for a quarter so I could buy candy at the local store.
Even when we did get along for short periods of time we always managed to get in trouble and it always seem to be my fault... Once we were playing house, I always had to be the dad, and we were pretending like we were going to the store, so we went out to my fathers 1958 Red Chevy, that always shine like a new penny, and I got behind the wheel and Christy sat on the passengers side, pretending she was rolling her hair and off we went. I pulled the shift down into drive and we began to roll. Parked in front of my fathers car was a new 1958 Blue Mercury that belonged to our neighbor across the street. He just happened to be in the yard watching us play and seen the car was moving. He ran, grabbed the bumper of our car and held it until his son could run to our house and tell my dad what was happening. Dad ran out open the car door put the car in park and told us to stay there until he got back. Now Christy didn't have a clue that she was about to get a belt across her butt, and when Dad came back to get us, he grabbed Chris first, all Christy was worried about was he was messing up her hair! She is still like that to this day.
Through the next few years, my mother found out that looks weren't everything.
My father was an alcoholic, womanizer, couldn't hold a job and would leave us for days at a time.
He would come in drunk start an argument with my mother and before the night was over she would get her four children up out of bed, in the middle of the night and take us to our grandma Lil's house. Grandma became a security to me. I was old enough to know what was going on, I was 7 years old, and had spent more time with my grandmother than at home with my family. Grandma lived across from the school that I started, and my grandpa was the crossing guard. Everyday I would get in trouble for walking across the street during lunch to see them. After school I would spend time at grandmas. I would cry to stay the night, and if mother had not seen dad in a few days, she would let me and Christy stay, so she wouldn't have to drag us out of the house later that night if he did come home.
March 30, 1964 was my mother's birthday. My dad had been trying to get help with his drinking, and he had been to a doctor who told him he had a chemical imbalance. Later, Mother told me he just couldn't cope with it. The morning of mom's birthday, they had woken early. Mom was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and dad was in the bedroom getting dressed for the day.
At about 6 am, mom heard a gun shot ring through the house. My dad had shot himself in the head...Christy and I slept in the room across the hall, the noise woke me up. As I walk out of my bedroom, I heard loud screaming coming from outside, mother had run out of the house, to the neighbors to get help. I pushed the door open to my mother and fathers bedroom, to find my father's blood splattered on the wall and him laying in a pool of blood. In shock, I returned to my bedroom and crawled back into my bed, laying there staring at the ceiling , not truly understanding what I had just saw. I heard voices, crying, screaming...the police had come to the room to wake us up and take us to someones house I didn't know. My sisters where taken some place else. As we walked through the living room I could see my mother laying on the couch with nurses and doctors around her, giving her oxygen and trying to help her calm down.
I had nightmares for along time after my father died. I could never tell my mother what I saw because she couldn't talk about my father without crying and I was afraid if I told her what I saw it would make her cry more, so I kept it to myself for several years. Suffering with the memory of a selfish, inconsiderate act of suicide and not really knowing how to tell someone what I had witnessed at the age of 7.
The next thing I remember is my mother telling us that we were going to move to Paragould to be closer to her family. I was devastated! I didn't want to move away from the only security I had ever known. My grandma Lil.
I became even more rebellious, and very angry. I told mom she could leave and take my sisters with her but I was staying with grandma Lil. I remember I spent the night with grandma the last night we where in St.Louis and we were sitting on the couch in the living room watching T.V. I ask her if I could stay with her and go to school. And she said to me, " No , you have to go with your mother, you are the oldest and she needs you to help her with your sisters." I went to bed that night crying, scared of what was going to happen to all of us, me...I laid awake all night listening to the sounds of the city from my safe bed, praying that my grandmother would change her mind before morning and let me stay.
I heard grandma get up early and start breakfast. As I laid in bed, I prayed one last prayer that God would change her mind and let me stay because she couldn't live without me like I couldn't live without her. I got up out of bed and went to the kitchen. I went in and sat down at the table and she walked over and kissed me good morning and ask if I was hungry, I said no, I couldn't eat my stomach hurt. And then I ask her one more time, "Grandma, please let me stay here with you, I promise, I will be nice, I won't get in any trouble and I will be good all my life, I promise, Please let me stay!" With tears in her eyes she turned to me and said " I can't let you stay, you belong with your mother. I will come to visit and you can come to visit and we will always be close, I promise. Your mother needs you." Shortly after my third and final rejection, mother and the girls showed up to get me. Mother had to physically pulled me off of grandma Lil and force me in the car. I cried all the way to Paragould. Even as an adult every time I left my grandma Lil's house I cried all the way to Corning Arkansas....
Moral of this Blog: "We don't have choices about who our parents are or how they treat us, but we do have choices about whether we forgive our parents and heal ourselves."
"Even a child is known by his doings, whether it be pure and whether it be right." Proverbs 20:14
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Running Naked on the Web
Well, hear goes. I've got to explain myself with some one else's words. I'm not talking about naked with no clothes on, I'm talking about taking off the mask, being real. My friend says "everyone knows we are not perfect...we have all made and continue to make mistakes daily. We all have problems and we have all screwed up" So why then do we pretend that everything is "just fine"?
I believe it is because we don't want people to know how screwed up we really are! What will they think? What will they say about me?
My philosophy is they will think what they want and say what they think regardless of truth. And you can't change it. So I personally would rather them tell the truth about me even if it is bad rather than make something up that could be worse than the truth:)
So, with that said I'm going to get real.
When I was 14 years old and still in church I started using drugs and alcohol. I continued to use until I was 40 years old. I still have an occasion drink now and then socially. I had an affair when I was in my early 30's. I smoked pot weekly until I was in my late 30's. And occasionally still struggle with wanting to smoke now. I was saved when I was living in Batesville, Ark and going through my divorce.
Over the course of the past few months I struggle with resentment, anger and depression for the loss of my sons,Chad and Brad, my Southside church family and friends. I continue to pray that I will accept what has happened and begin to move on but until that time has come I will blog my heart out!, read my bible and pray for peace.
God forgave me for my past, present and future. and I am forever grateful for my best friend Jesus, who happens to know me better than I know myself. Just like my friend, I am not bragging, I just believe I am not alone and neither or you. Take off the mask and find freedom in doing so. I have used more energy trying to pretend everything is just fine than I would have just being me. my Bible says"those who are without sin throw the first stone." and
"that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." So who are we to judge!
Wow do I feel better!
I believe it is because we don't want people to know how screwed up we really are! What will they think? What will they say about me?
My philosophy is they will think what they want and say what they think regardless of truth. And you can't change it. So I personally would rather them tell the truth about me even if it is bad rather than make something up that could be worse than the truth:)
So, with that said I'm going to get real.
When I was 14 years old and still in church I started using drugs and alcohol. I continued to use until I was 40 years old. I still have an occasion drink now and then socially. I had an affair when I was in my early 30's. I smoked pot weekly until I was in my late 30's. And occasionally still struggle with wanting to smoke now. I was saved when I was living in Batesville, Ark and going through my divorce.
Over the course of the past few months I struggle with resentment, anger and depression for the loss of my sons,Chad and Brad, my Southside church family and friends. I continue to pray that I will accept what has happened and begin to move on but until that time has come I will blog my heart out!, read my bible and pray for peace.
God forgave me for my past, present and future. and I am forever grateful for my best friend Jesus, who happens to know me better than I know myself. Just like my friend, I am not bragging, I just believe I am not alone and neither or you. Take off the mask and find freedom in doing so. I have used more energy trying to pretend everything is just fine than I would have just being me. my Bible says"those who are without sin throw the first stone." and
"that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." So who are we to judge!
Wow do I feel better!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
In Memory of Matthew Scott Holbrook
Don't Cry For Me
I’m sorry that I had to leave you.
A distant voice called me away.
There was so much left for us to share,
so much we never got to say.
But all my pain is far behind me,
confusion finally laid to rest.
I hope my life here had a reason.
What you do now will be the test.
I died too early, but I always knew I would.
I lived life the way I wanted,
and always looked for something good in everyone.
As I look down upon you now,
my hopes for you are still so strong.
Better to have loved and lost,
but we haven’t lost for long.
Don’t cry for me, beloved friends.
I've risen beyond this world of fear.
Hold my friendship in your memory,
and always know that I am near.
I know the grief will nearly kill you.
Dry your eyes, and carry on.
Remember me, for through your lives,
my spirit will live on.
Matt, you have no idea the love that surrounded you here on this earth. The days ahead will only be more painful without you for your mother, your beautiful children, your sister and all of us who loved you so much.
As much as we tried to love you, you simply pushed us away for a life full of heartache and more pain. Oh, how I wish you knew the excitement we had for you when we heard of your triumphs and achievements. Oh how we rejoiced and praised our loving God for your sucess.
The only comfort we have now, is that you are in the arm's of Jesus. And that one day when our time on earth is done that we will see you again and can worship with you in heaven. Until then, we can only pray that the love of our God will be forever with your mother, children and sister and that through time they will find peace and joy in your memory.
I will forever carry you with me in my thoughts and heart with my own children, for you where as close as a son to me. I watched you grow from a little boy to a handsome man and my memories of your last visit will forever give me comfort. You will be missed but not forgotten.
I love you Matt,
Aunt Vicki
I’m sorry that I had to leave you.
A distant voice called me away.
There was so much left for us to share,
so much we never got to say.
But all my pain is far behind me,
confusion finally laid to rest.
I hope my life here had a reason.
What you do now will be the test.
I died too early, but I always knew I would.
I lived life the way I wanted,
and always looked for something good in everyone.
As I look down upon you now,
my hopes for you are still so strong.
Better to have loved and lost,
but we haven’t lost for long.
Don’t cry for me, beloved friends.
I've risen beyond this world of fear.
Hold my friendship in your memory,
and always know that I am near.
I know the grief will nearly kill you.
Dry your eyes, and carry on.
Remember me, for through your lives,
my spirit will live on.
Matt, you have no idea the love that surrounded you here on this earth. The days ahead will only be more painful without you for your mother, your beautiful children, your sister and all of us who loved you so much.
As much as we tried to love you, you simply pushed us away for a life full of heartache and more pain. Oh, how I wish you knew the excitement we had for you when we heard of your triumphs and achievements. Oh how we rejoiced and praised our loving God for your sucess.
The only comfort we have now, is that you are in the arm's of Jesus. And that one day when our time on earth is done that we will see you again and can worship with you in heaven. Until then, we can only pray that the love of our God will be forever with your mother, children and sister and that through time they will find peace and joy in your memory.
I will forever carry you with me in my thoughts and heart with my own children, for you where as close as a son to me. I watched you grow from a little boy to a handsome man and my memories of your last visit will forever give me comfort. You will be missed but not forgotten.
I love you Matt,
Aunt Vicki
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
To my friend Cheryl who suffered a great loss
Do not suppose, my dearest ones, that when I have left you I would be nowhere and no one. Even when I was with you, you did not see my soul, but knew that it was in this body of mine from what I did. Believe that it is still the same, even though you do not see it ...
preserve my memory by the loyalty and piety of your lives.
Weeping is the most human and universal of all relief measures.
Safely Home
I am home in Heaven, dear ones;
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.
All the pain and grief is over,
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever,
Safely home in Heaven at last.
Did you wonder why I so calmly
Trod the valley of the shade?
Oh! but Jesus' love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade.
And He came Himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread;
And with Jesus' arm to lean on,
Could I have one doubt or dread?
Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still;
Try to look beyond earth's shadows,
Pray to trust our Father's Will.
There is work still waiting for you
So you must not idly stand;
Do it now, while life remaineth --
You shall rest in Jesus' land.
When that work is all completed,
He will gently call you Home;
Oh, the rapture of that meeting,
Oh, the joy to see you come!
People in mourning have to come to grips with death before they can live again. Mourning can go on for years and years. It doesn't end after a year: That's a false fantasy. It usually ends when people realize that they can live again, that they can concentrate their energies on their lives as a whole, and not on their hurt, and guilt, and pain.
This has been a very trying week for me, my best friend of 35 years lost her son in an accident this past week. I felt helpless, knowing all to well the pain she was feeling.
Death of a child is the most severe test that you will ever face, and if you can rise above your grief and if you will trust in God, then you will be able to surmount any other difficulty with which you may be faced. I have always said " if I can survive the death of my children, there is nothing on this side of heaven that I can't handle."
Surviving the loss of a child is its own kind of test. To tell our story is a way of affirming the life of the loved one we have lost--the experiences we had together, the favorite family stories. To tell the story is a way of moving the grief along, and so contributes to our own healing.
I love you my friend of 35 years, and I am always here for you as you have been for me so many times before. I understand your pain, your hurt and your grief. I won't wait for you to call me, I am here.
Moral of this Blog: "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are all passed away" Revelation 21:4
preserve my memory by the loyalty and piety of your lives.
Weeping is the most human and universal of all relief measures.
Safely Home
I am home in Heaven, dear ones;
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.
All the pain and grief is over,
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever,
Safely home in Heaven at last.
Did you wonder why I so calmly
Trod the valley of the shade?
Oh! but Jesus' love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade.
And He came Himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread;
And with Jesus' arm to lean on,
Could I have one doubt or dread?
Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still;
Try to look beyond earth's shadows,
Pray to trust our Father's Will.
There is work still waiting for you
So you must not idly stand;
Do it now, while life remaineth --
You shall rest in Jesus' land.
When that work is all completed,
He will gently call you Home;
Oh, the rapture of that meeting,
Oh, the joy to see you come!
People in mourning have to come to grips with death before they can live again. Mourning can go on for years and years. It doesn't end after a year: That's a false fantasy. It usually ends when people realize that they can live again, that they can concentrate their energies on their lives as a whole, and not on their hurt, and guilt, and pain.
This has been a very trying week for me, my best friend of 35 years lost her son in an accident this past week. I felt helpless, knowing all to well the pain she was feeling.
Death of a child is the most severe test that you will ever face, and if you can rise above your grief and if you will trust in God, then you will be able to surmount any other difficulty with which you may be faced. I have always said " if I can survive the death of my children, there is nothing on this side of heaven that I can't handle."
Surviving the loss of a child is its own kind of test. To tell our story is a way of affirming the life of the loved one we have lost--the experiences we had together, the favorite family stories. To tell the story is a way of moving the grief along, and so contributes to our own healing.
I love you my friend of 35 years, and I am always here for you as you have been for me so many times before. I understand your pain, your hurt and your grief. I won't wait for you to call me, I am here.
Moral of this Blog: "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes, and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain; for the former things are all passed away" Revelation 21:4
Monday, September 3, 2007
Labor Day
Labor Day officially ends summer,
As those who work enjoy one final fling.
Blessed are those who bear the daily burden,
Of whom few savants speak or minstrels sing,
Returning to the shallows of September.
Days of ease give way to hours certain,
A long routine that wends its way towards winter,
Yearning for the promises of spring.
As those who work enjoy one final fling.
Blessed are those who bear the daily burden,
Of whom few savants speak or minstrels sing,
Returning to the shallows of September.
Days of ease give way to hours certain,
A long routine that wends its way towards winter,
Yearning for the promises of spring.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Please Don't Forget Me
Please never forget me.
That is my one last wish for you,
before you go into the world
and do the things you have to do.
Please don't let me slip away,
the one thing that I ask...
Just keep me in your memory,
even far in the back
don't let go of my hand,
I'm scared to be alone.
I want to pause this moment
With some bodies hand to hold.
Please don't leave your past behind,
Of which I am a part.
I need to see you someday
So that you can mend my broken heart.
(Just please don't leave me here this way.)
(Don't let your past slip far away.)
Promise you won't forget me.
Promise that you will hold on tight...
If I know you think of me,
It just may get meThroughThis Night.
That is my one last wish for you,
before you go into the world
and do the things you have to do.
Please don't let me slip away,
the one thing that I ask...
Just keep me in your memory,
even far in the back
don't let go of my hand,
I'm scared to be alone.
I want to pause this moment
With some bodies hand to hold.
Please don't leave your past behind,
Of which I am a part.
I need to see you someday
So that you can mend my broken heart.
(Just please don't leave me here this way.)
(Don't let your past slip far away.)
Promise you won't forget me.
Promise that you will hold on tight...
If I know you think of me,
It just may get meThroughThis Night.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Appearance and Reality
To appear wise, one must talk;
To be wise, one must listen.
To appear to do good, one must be busy;
To do good, one must know when to stand aside.
To appear to lead, one must put oneself first;
To lead, one must put oneself last.
To appear caring, one must give advice;
To be caring, one must give space.
To appear to love, one must know how to give;
To love, one must know also how to receive.
To appear happy, one must smile;
To be happy, one must be free with tears.
To be wise, one must listen.
To appear to do good, one must be busy;
To do good, one must know when to stand aside.
To appear to lead, one must put oneself first;
To lead, one must put oneself last.
To appear caring, one must give advice;
To be caring, one must give space.
To appear to love, one must know how to give;
To love, one must know also how to receive.
To appear happy, one must smile;
To be happy, one must be free with tears.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Mirror Proverbs
--One cannot have what one wants
Unless one wants what one has.
--One cannot love oneself
Unless one’s self is loving.
--One cannot control one’s temper
Unless one tempers one’s control.
--One cannot fail for long
Unless one longs to fail.
--One cannot live in another’s shadow
Unless one shadows another.
--One cannot gain another’s trust
Unless one trusts another.
--One cannot be contented
Unless one is contented by being.
--One cannot be loving
Unless one loves being.
Unless one wants what one has.
--One cannot love oneself
Unless one’s self is loving.
--One cannot control one’s temper
Unless one tempers one’s control.
--One cannot fail for long
Unless one longs to fail.
--One cannot live in another’s shadow
Unless one shadows another.
--One cannot gain another’s trust
Unless one trusts another.
--One cannot be contented
Unless one is contented by being.
--One cannot be loving
Unless one loves being.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Red Marbles
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.
"Hello Barry, how are you today?"
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good."
"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"
"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
"Good. Anything I can help you with?"
"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."
"Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller.
"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"
"All I got's my prize marble here."
"Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller.
"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."
"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for re d . Do you have a red one like this at home?" the store owner asked.
"Not zackley but almost."
"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble " . Mr. Miller told the boy.
"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles , and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store." I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.
A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles. Several years went by, each more rapid than t he previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt." "We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ." With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral of this Blog: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED!
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.
"Hello Barry, how are you today?"
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good."
"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"
"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
"Good. Anything I can help you with?"
"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."
"Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller.
"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"
"All I got's my prize marble here."
"Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller.
"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."
"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for re d . Do you have a red one like this at home?" the store owner asked.
"Not zackley but almost."
"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble " . Mr. Miller told the boy.
"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."
Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles , and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store." I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man.
A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles. Several years went by, each more rapid than t he previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.
Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts...all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.
Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband's bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.
"Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size....they came to pay their debt." "We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho ." With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.
The Moral of this Blog: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED!
Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~
A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
Green stoplights on your way to work.
The fastest line at the grocery store.
A good sing-along song on the radio.
Your keys found right where you left them.
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