Why?

Why do we hurt?

What is with pain?

Why do we do it?

What do we gain?

Do we gain strength?

Does it bring God near?

Does it help us understand?

Does it help us to see?

What is love?

Why do we feel it?

Is it important?

Are we forced to deal with it?

What if I stopped loving?

Would I feel pain?

But then, once again,

What would I gain?

Love is to be cherished.

Love can make you whole.

Love is what keeps us alive.

Love is the language of the soul.

Why do I hurt? (BRTN3325)

My heart has been so heavy, as if I had a large weight is sitting on top of my chest. Burdened, sore, aching, like it is crying out for something to stop the pain. Thoughts run through my mind of different ways to stop the insanity....sleepless nights, mind screaming to the top of its thoughts, crazy sounds... like some one wanting out.

Someone left me a comment saying "what an amazing strong human being I am" they don't know me... anyone wants to know me... really knows me. A world full of people and no one knows me.

Sunday morning.... Maria still in bed...Gary playing at Reynolds... Here I sit.... Been up since 4:30 am waken to a phone call from Arkansas Methodist Hospital Trauma Room. Didn't get to the call in time... hospital won't give me any information....waiting for the bad news... have called a waken every body I know.. Kayla home in bed..Landon and Lindsey home in bed... family out of town safe.... Christie and Kim sound to sleep...fine.. so who? praying to God everyone is safe.....waiting for bad news.

I can't handle any more bad news!... I have had my life share of it.

Escape

I want to get away.
That's all,
Just gone,
Away from silent nightmares, loud cities,
Glass love-
Away.
Any place will do: Kansas, Africa, anywhere...
Quiet clean air, that's important:
To feel the sun, touch truth,
breathe God and music.
No sorrow-I have sorrowed long enough;
Cringed and wept.
Time now to sleep and smile.
No fight-
I have fought long enough;
Crawled and chewed.
Time now to drink some peace,
Luke-warm in a sanitary cup,
Not cracked or chipped-
All holy and well-made.

My best friend and I are celebrating our 50Th birthday this year.... May..our birthdays are one week to the day apart..I'm older and she doesn't let me live that down. We have celebrated our birthdays since we were 15 years old. Our mothers would bake our cakes and put both our names on them ... for the past several years we would just take a couple of days and go "shopping" in Memphis...this year is going to be special.

We wanted to go some place very special, exotic, enchanting, with beaches, etc. We first looked at cruises to the Caribbean..to expensive...then we looked at south Florida...too dangerous.. then we thought about Las Vegas...too sinful..So we decided on Charleston SC...my home away from home. She had been several times but only for a day. I lived there 9 years. And we have promised each other for years we would make this trip together. Ta Da..our 50Th Birthday trip is booked we will leave paradise on August 4 and return to paradise on August 11!!!! 7 whole days of beach, good seafood, relaxing walks on the cobblestone streets of the most enchanting city in the US. I can't wait!!

Now, you must be asking yourself..What about Gary and Maria? Good question. Maria is going to stay behind and hold down the fort (Dustbuster's) and Gary is going to do what Gary loves to do more than anything in the world.......nothing! He won't have me here with a "honey-do list", or nagging about something some one has done or didn't do, or the phone ringing a hundred times during his favorite program ( no one calls when I'm not here) sad but true, or snoring so loud I wake him in the night telling me to roll over:) So he will be in paradise.

He will miss me so bad by day 1, it won't be funny. And I will miss him by day 8, it won't be funny:) just kidding. I know it will be good for me to just get away for a few days, I want to go to Magnolia Gardens where there are 5 trees planted in memory of my son Chad. I love to go and see how big they have grown. I can't wait to have lunch at my favorite resturant Hyman's Seafood were I always order the same dish for the past 27 years...3 dozen raw oysters, and their famous she-crab soup... my mouth is watering.

Lord Forgive My Temper

Psalms 37

1 Don't worry about the wicked, Don't envy those who do wrong

2 For like grass they soon fade away

Like springtime flowers they soon wither.

3 Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live in the land and prosper.

4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart........

7 Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act

Don't worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.

8 Stop your anger! Turn from your rage!

Do not envy others- it only leads to harm.

9 For the wicked will be destroyed,

but those who trust in the Lord will posses the land........

12 The wicked plot against the godly;

they snarl at them in defiance.

13 But the Lord just laughs,

for he sees their day of judgement coming.

Gary and I have been helping a couple for several months now. They have both been in rehab and we believed they were trying to get their life straightened out. They got an apartment, he was working for ARI and she was working with me for several months. We sold them our living room and they were making payments on it until May 27.

We had not heard from them in several weeks so Gary went over to make sure they were OK. He lost his job, she quit hers with me and they were having some difficult times. Gary told them not to worry about us, get their rent paid, utilities etc. and when they got on their feet we would work out a payment arrangement on what they still owed.

Last Saturday Maria and I went to Memphis to meet a dear friend of mine from Charleston who now lives in Jackson, TN while we were in Memphis, Gary went to get him a bite to eat and as he was sitting in line waiting for his food, he watched the wife of the couple, loading the back of a car with our lamps, rugs, and small items. He left with his food and drove across the street to talk to her or him and they would not answer the door for him.

When I returned from Memphis with my friend, Gary didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to mess up our time together. I took her back Sunday evening and returned home, to find him fast a sleep. Monday morning he called me from work to tell me to go get our furniture, and explained why. So I went over with an officer just to find an empty apartment. Her neighbor explained to me that her husband was in jail in Jonesboro, and she is trying to get money together to get him out, so she SOLD OUR FURNITURE that she still owed us $800.00 for $250.00!!!! along with some items that we just let them borrow, a dresser, an inflatable mattress that we use for guest, etc...

Needless to say, Christianity went out the window and flesh came in the door! Now anyone who knows me, understands I am not usually a angry person but in the last few days I have had my dander up a few times. My doctors seem to think that it is a stage of grieving I am going through. Mad. And maybe that is so, but good grief-enough is enough!

Why would anybody do this knowing you still owe money against it and after we have tried to help them that they would do this not just to us but to any one. I have threaten to take it out of her hide, but I know that will serve no purpose but to make me feel better for a little while:) but I am very angry about this, every time I think about it. My husband of 10 years, has never seen me this upset, I think I scared him Monday, he thought he was going to have to bail me out of jail.

But here is were I'm torn.......

Flesh says " beat her black and blue, have her arrested and throw her in jail, garnish her future wages, and file a civil suit." in that order.

Bible says " forgive those who trespass against you...490 times a day ( 7X70).

Fresh says " I am through helping people. Every time I do I get screwed. It always cost me dearly. The evil in people seem to always walk away unscathed. I am going to take care of me from now on and to heck with everyone else, I'm tired of being used!"

I have read Psalms 37 over and over and over again trying to reason with God. We as Christians are suppose to help those in need with out any thing in return, but dad-gummit we are not doormats either! We cant just let people walk all over us, This has really left a bad taste in my mouth but that could be from some of the bad words I've used in my anger }:

I am really struggling with what I am suppose to do. I know what I am suppose to do, but I'm telling you it isn't that easy for me right now. And God knows that. So pray for me, my anger, hurt. I know this is a spiritual warfare that I'm in and unless I get a hold of my temper, satan is going to win and I'm going to be in jail!!!!

If you have been reading my blog at all you can see I have really been struggling with my depression lately. Although our church has really been helping me, just by getting me involved in hospitality, nursery, set up, etc. I can't seem to shake it this time. It just seems the harder I try the harder it gets. I need some good spiritual advice from all who are reading this right now, please. I just need to hear it out loud from some one on the outside looking in. Go to comments at the bottom of this blog and give me your opinion. Yes, I am asking asking for your opinion.

Moral of this Blog: Dear God, sometimes I get angry so easily. Things go wrong, people don't act the way they should, someone's words rub me the wrong way. Help me, Father to control my emotions, my anger, to keep it from spilling out, hurting those around me. Remind me that usually when it comes right down to it, I'm angry simply because I can't have my own way. Give me strength to accept whatever You send into my life. Amen