Through The Tears

Tears fall like rain from my eyes as if to water the earth
Remembering their sweet spirit and my joy at their birth
How could this be Lord just 18 short years
I pray so often Lord "please dry up my tears."

With each beat of my heart I miss them so
And try as I might I can't let them go
I remember their laughter, the smell of their hair
The sparkle in their brown eyes, that's no longer there.

I try to remember their life was a gift
But they left so suddenly, their death was swift
One day I'll be with them the wait seems unfair
I'll take comfort in knowing, they are in your loving care.

I hate nights like tonight when the pain in my heart is so strong that I can't stop crying. It is so lonely.. Can't sleep, missing my boys so much.

I can hear them playing, I can hear them laughing, I can hear Brad playing his guitar. Sounds crazy, but I can hear Chad singing the Judd's " I know where I'm going...do you want to go too..." his favorite song, well that and "Splish, splash I was taking a bath..."
The images in my mind are so clear. I can see Brad standing in the living room, naked, shaking his butt singing " I want to be a cowboy and you can be my cowgirl...yippee, yippee yea..." age 3.

I know it has been 19 years since Chad died and 3 since Brad died, but it feels like yesterday to me. I have days when I can think about them and just smile, and then there are days like today.... just can't stop crying.

I have a picture frame on my desk that reads..

" The Impact of One Life"
When a stone is dropped into a lake, it quickly disappears from sight-- but its impact leaves behind a series of ripples that broaden and reach across the water.

In the same way; the impact of one life lived for Christ will leave behind an influence for good that will reach the lives of many others.

It has my son's, Brad, picture in it. What a remarkable young man he was.
He was my everything after my divorce. God I miss him so much.

Through the Tears

I know that I will have these days when darkness clouds my view
When hardships get to hard to bear and I can’t see them through
Its all these times I often cry and tears spill down my cheeks
When sadness overcome my life with nights dark and bleak

Then God will say to me look up and see the light
Don’t dwell on sadness from your past count blessings in your sight
As I do I see the sun that shines through darkest skies
I can see my blessing clear through my tear filled eyes

It’s then the magic comes to me with sunlight on my face
I see a rainbow through my tears and darkness is replaced
I feel the love of Jesus Christ as dark clouds fade away
I'm filled with loving gratitude as I kneel down to pray

Thank you for this gift Oh Lord, with words I can express

This overhelming pain inside that Your Love has come to caress

I’m grateful for the blessings and the tears that I have shed
For in them are the rainbows that will keep my spirit fed

I feel better.....goodnight.

Dazed and Amazed

That's what my husband is today. I have been talking about doing some major renovations around the house for about 5 years now. And I am tired of talking about it and tired of hearing how difficult it is going to be to do all that I want to do and need to do.

I have a sister (Kim), she has Down-syndrome and has been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's. With do parents in the picture and me being the oldest, she is going to be moving in with us within the next year.

Every time I mention that we need to start making arrangements for Kim to move in, I hear
"yes, I agree, yep, I know it." But nothing is getting done. So, I said to myself,( and self being a very intelligent person replied, "I'm listening.") it is time to get this ball on a roll. I called 3 contractors, a Concrete finisher, and a electrician/plumber. I have talk to my bank , got a loan and renovations start in 2 weeks.

A 24 X 30 building is going in the back yard to put my business in, in-closing the garage to make an apartment for Kim and a handicap bathroom is going for her. The front of the house will look the same on both sides of the porch.

Moral of this Blog: If you want something done, sometimes you have to just do it yourself.

What He Sees

I wonder what it would be like to watch our Lord one day
I wonder what He sees us do or hear the words we say
I wonder if He smiles when we begin each day in prayer
Or when we stop to help someone or show how much we care

I bet he’d be so proud of us to see the poor we’ve fed
And see we’ve clothed the needy and put warm blankets on their bed
Then too, He’d likely shed a tear for those that lost their way
Or those that caused such broken hearts with bitter words they say

But then I’m sure He’d smile again to watch the children play
Or watch a mother teach her child the reasons why we pray
And then to me, this thought occurs His eyes will turn to me
Oh Lord I hope your smiling still when what I do you see.

Have you ever had one of those days when there are a dozen things on your desk and as you transition from one thing to another, you get interrupted- by God. At least I think it’s God.
In the middle of writing down what I had to do tomorrow and picking up a book to read, I stopped. I was looking at nothing in particular, nothing had caught my attention, but these are the thoughts that went through my head.

Will God answer my prayers? Does God have a good sence of humor? Why don't You stop pain & evil? Why are humans so easily manipulated? And what does He think about the way we are taking care of the earth? Questions. Your mind can just run away with itself or is it God?

And then I went back to what I was doing and I was interrutrd again - by God. Here are the thoughts that ran through my head.

What questions or advice God would have for me. As he shock his head saying "Vicki, Vicki, Vicki". God wouldn't ask me if I built a sucessful business, He would ask did I built a loving family? God wouldn't ask me how high my salary was, He would ask did I compromised my charater to attain it? God wouldn't ask me why I called on Him when things are tough, He would ask me did I praise Him when things are smooth. He wouldn't ask me why I didn't solve the world's problem, He will ask me did I love my neighbor? God wouldn't ask me how beautiful I looked, He will ask me did i see the beauty in others. He wouldn't ask me why I have so many questions, He will ask me did I search for the answers.

Moral of this Blog: "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33 "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities — His eternal power and divine nature — have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse." Romans 1:20

"Army Wives" Lifetime series give me a break!

Did anyone see the new show on Lifetime called "Army Wives"? I waited with baited breath to view the first episode of the new Lifetime series “Army Wives.” My mind was abuzz with all the trials and tribulations that surely must be touched upon in such a series. Finally a drama would capture the essence of the military spouse, the sacrifices, the sorrows, the courage, and the triumph of some of the strongest people I know. With such a small population of the country affiliated with the military and an even smaller population truly concerned with the unpublished toils of the war on terror, I yearned for the creditability this show was destined to bring to military spouses. I looked forward to the same sense of belonging and understanding that as an ex- military wife as I felt. What I witnessed twice (I had to watch the encore just to assure myself I had not misinterpreted what I was seeing) was the utter degradation and humiliation of Military spouses everywhere. Shame on Lifetime and shame on Tanya Biank. Truly, Lifetime was desperate to sell sensationalism. My comrades-in-arms were portrayed as bar-hopping adulteresses, snobby officer-wife witches, rumor-spreading, uneducated, uncouth, abused women living on a post as made up as Wisteria Lane. I mean come on, who gets housing the very day they arrive on a post and I don't care how high ranking a sponsor is, NO child is getting a sports physical on the fly in the ER!!!........What I was hoping to see were Family Readiness groups struggling to create events to foster camaraderie among those left behind, broken phone trees due to phones being cut off, empty base houses from families packing up and moving home while the service member deploys and the local businesses going under from this economical attack on their home front. I hoped Lifetime could capture the endless labor of love that volunteer wives pump into the military community. I also hoped Lifetime could reveal the secret as to where these extra-ordinary women (and men) get the energy to keep giving. I envisioned a young military spouse delivering her child alone because she went into labor 3 days before her spouse’s R&R. I hoped to see the families trying to create continuity among their children’s education through home-schooling. I longed to see a storyline created around the unexpected friendships that form among people from different geographical locations, various races and ancestry and from totally different cultures. I hoped to find in any one of the characters just a little piece of reality- a woman with a career under pressure day in and day out to support my spouse, meet the demands of my job, keep up the house, the yard, and the bills, attend college and shuffle kids from place to place and trying to attend every possible school function for all three children to prevent anyone from feeling neglected. I wanted America to see the true struggles of our Military Wives. What about the tears late at night when no one is looking? What about the spouses that gets up dozens of times every night to check the doors to make sure they are locked? Where were the children who watch the Elmo video redundantly and sleep with mommy or daddy every night because they are afraid the service member will not come home? More credibility would have gone into a story about the battalion commander's wife (or family readiness leader) getting a call from a wife who has no money because her husband controls the funds and left her only minimal money to cover necessities while he was deployed. How about a story about the spouse who enters a store and gets an unexpected discount from a supportive business due to her husband's service? What about scenarios where the child of a military member is denied playing time on a team or denied scholarship opportunities due to moving late in their high school careers. Depictions of the pain and helplessness a military wife and mother feels when she cannot control or fix everything are much more realistic than a military wife secretly delivering someone else's (surrogate) babies on a pool table. As an author and the show’s consultant it appears that Tanya Biank has fallen victim to greed and is more interested in selling copies of her book and making money than she is at preserving the dignity of military wives everywhere. We may as well hang up our hats and open the door to stereotyping, criticism, and critique. The “Army Wives” Lifetime offered to America appear desperate for a follow-on assignment to Wisteria Lane. After just one episode, I say it is time for the packers! From my very own experiences as a military wife and mother, it is the hardest job in the military. Hats off to the women and men who take on this role daily, and to the Lifetime series "Army Wives", shame on you!

Letter to a Military Spouse

The military wives should be honored right along with their soldier. I have a dear friend, who shares her anxiety, fears, triumphs, and loneliness on her blog daily. She is a military wive whose husband is in Iraq defending our nation. But as I read her blog I can only try to understand what she is feeling. This letter is most appropriate as it comes from a civilian with no ties to the military................................

I felt the need to write you and express a very deep feeling that I have in my heart. I, as a person, am not brave. I do not tackle things head on, as I hate confrontation. I will travel 100 miles out of my way just to avoid a conflict. I am a American woman that has no idea what is going on in the military other that what I hear on the news. I never had to let go of someone so that they could go fight for people that they did not know, people that sometimes do not appreciate or understand what they are fighting for.

I have never had a sleepless night of worry because of a report that another bomb has exploded and I still haven’t heard from my husband. I have never had to wait for months on end to hold the one that I loved so. I have never had to tell my children that daddy wasn’t coming home tonight because he was so far away fighting for something that they aren’t yet old enough to understand. I have never had to hold my head up high and suppress the tears as I hear that it will be at least another six months of separation before my loves one gets to come home.

I have never had to deal with a holiday away from the one that I thought I would share every day of my life with. And I have never had to feel the panic, rising in my heart at the sound of a ringing phone or knock at the door for fear that it is the news that everyone is terrified of getting.

For the reasons listed above, I can not tell you that I understand how you feel. I can not tell you that you must be strong. I can not say that you shouldn’t be angry, because you " knew what you were getting into when you married a military man." I can not say these things because I have never had to walk in your shoes.

What can I say for certain is that because of your unselfish acts of bravery and your husbands willingness to stand up for those who see him as " just another soldier"---- I will never have to walk in your shoes.

I do understand that a military wife you are expected to uphold a certain amount of control , but I never understood how you could do it, until now। I have figured out that you are not like other woman. You are of a special breed. You have a strength within you, that holds life together in the darkest of hours, a strength of which I will never possess. The faith you have is what makes you stand out in a crowd; it makes you glow with emotion and swell with pride at the mention of The United States of America.

You are a special lady, a wonderful partner and a glorious American. I have more respect for your husband than I could ever tell you, but until recently I never thought much about those that the soldier leaves at home during deployment.

Until this moment I could never put into words exactly what America meant to me.

Until this moment, I had no real reason to….....

Your husband and his military family hold this nation close, safe from those who wish to hurt us…. But you and those like you are the backbone of the American family. You keep the wheels in motion and the hearts alive while most would just break completely down. Military families make this nation what is today.

You give us all hope and you emit a warming light at the end of a long dark tunnel.
Because of you and your family…I am able to be me. I am able to have my family. I am able to walk free in this great land. Because of you and your family, I can look ahead to the future with the knowledge that life is going to be okay. Because of you and your family, I can awake to a new day, everyday.

I realize that you are a stronger person than I will ever be because of these things and I just wanted to take the time today to say thank you to you and your family for allowing me that freedom.

I will never be able to repay this dept to you, as it is unmatchable. However, I hope that you know that no matter where you are… what you doing… what has happened today…or what will happen tomorrow…your husband will NEVER be " just another soldier" to me… And you, my dear sweet lady, will never be forgotten.

You are all in my prayers everyday and I pray that God will bring you back together with your loved one safely.

Note: Although this letter was written to military wives, of course, there are male military spouses too. Substitute "husband" for "wife," and everyone is covered, and thanked for their sacrifices. I simply printed this letter as it was written.