Please Don't Forget Me

Please never forget me.
That is my one last wish for you,
before you go into the world
and do the things you have to do.


Please don't let me slip away,
the one thing that I ask...
Just keep me in your memory,
even far in the back


don't let go of my hand,
I'm scared to be alone.
I want to pause this moment
With some bodies hand to hold.


Please don't leave your past behind,
Of which I am a part.
I need to see you someday
So that you can mend my broken heart.
(Just please don't leave me here this way.)


(Don't let your past slip far away.)
Promise you won't forget me.
Promise that you will hold on tight...
If I know you think of me,
It just may get meThroughThis Night.

A Parents Prayer

You sent a child to me

to fill my life with joy,

And only You knew which was best

-A little girl or little boy.



Somehow I took for granted, Lord,

That we would have a lifetime,

And I made so many future plans,

For that precious child of mine.



Enchanted by that Miracle,

Caught up in each new day,

I guess I didn't hear you, Lord,

When you said, "They can't stay."



I trust You, Lord, Thy Will; not mine,

Yet I cant understand,

This sudden loss-this emptiness-

Caused by another's hand.



I know my child's in heaven now,

But my heart is aching so,

I'm sorry I wasn't ready, Lord

to let my baby's go.



There wasn't time for one last hug;

There was no final kiss,

Oh God, its all those special smiles

That I already miss.



So Lord, could You do just one thing

For me especially?

Please hold my son's close to You

For all Eternity.

"He Only Took My Hand"

Last night while I was trying to sleep,
My son's voice I did hear,
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.

He said, "Mom, you've got to listen,
You've got to understand,
God didn't take me away from you,
He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that day,
The moment that I died,
He reached down and took my hand,
And pulled me to His side.

He pulled me up and saved me
From the misery and pain.
My body was hurt so badly,
I could never be the same.

My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within,
All the answers to my empty dreams
And all that might have been.

I love you mom and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby.
My body's gone forever,
But my spirit will never die.

And so, you must all go on now,
And live, and understand...
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand."

I was sharing with a friend today about when our parent's die, we are called orphans.
When our spouse's die, we are called widows or widowers. But when a parent losses their child, what are we called? Survivors... I said to her, after the death of my children, there is nothing that can happen to me now, that I can't survive because I thought this would kill me.

It's a club no one wants to be apart of. As members, we can only share our memories of the young men and women, who's whole life was before them but cut short by tragedy. It's all we have left. Memories. It is a club, where every member understands the other members. Although their stories are different, the names change, the number of years that have gone by may be shorter or longer... the pain is the same.... A quiet numbness. You can see the darkness in our eyes, a look of silent desperation, a longing for some one, anyone to care as much as we do about what has happened to us. But only if you look at us... Really look at us.

People stand amazed at how we can go on living a normal life after such a tragedy. I say to them there is nothing normal about it, we go and do because we have no choice. I get up and do because God is my strength, my comforter, my refuge, my peace, my calm in the midst of my storms, my helper. I can testify to you to day that without Him, I would be able to do nothing.
With Him, all things are possible, even the impossible.

Moral of this Blog: " Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God [Who is the Source] of every comfort (consolation and encouragement). 4. Who comforts (consoles and encourages) us in every trouble ( calamity and affliction), so that we may also be able to comfort (console and encourage) those who are in any kind of trouble or distress, with the comfort( consolation and encouragement) with which we ourselves are comforted by God." 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5

2."Through Him also we have [our] access (entrance, introduction) by faith into this grace (state of God's favor) in which we [firmly and safely] stand. And let us rejoice and exult in our hope of experiencing and enjoying the glory of God. 3. Moreover [let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unanswered endurance. 4. And endurance (fortitude) develops maturity of character (approved faith and tried integrity). And character [of this sort] produces [ the habit of] joyful and confident hope of eternal salvation. 5. Such hope never disappoints or deludes or shames us, for God's love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit Who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5

Death Is Not The End

Everyday brings new life
And ends another one
One time just beginning
Another time is done

We etch our memories
Into a written past
Where they can linger
Where they will last

Others remember us
By everything we do
And they hold to this
When our time is through

They reminisce upon us
Keeping our memory alive
In this we still exist,
In this, we still thrive

Death is not the end
But, yet, a new beginning
A time to start anew
A time to begin living

Heaven waits for us
Bringing hope to life
There, it will be perfect
Free from any strife

No pain or worry stay
Or abide in any hearts
This is where we begin
Where real living starts.

Goodbye may seem so sad
Yet, the word is so brief
For we'll be one again
In a place without grief.

Look for me that day
In that meeting in the sky
Where we will be together
In the sweet, sweet by and by.

Soldiers

Looking out on the horizon,
Cheek rested on his M-16
So much work left to be done
So much left to be seen.
His uniform tan and brown
Like the color of the sand
He sits fatigued now
Watching the dirt sift through his hand.
The hours roll on by
All work and not much fun
He adjusts the helmet as he sighs
And stares up at the blazing sun.
He checks and rechecks his gear
As sweat drips from his brow
He wishes it was home here
Or that he could be there now.
He looks out at the sand
Collecting it inside his bag
He stares down in his hand
A small American flag.
He remembers why he's here
He remembers his call
He remembers that year
When men gave their all.
He sits up straighter now
He understands his part
He answered the call somehow
It must be the pride in his heart.

Why?

Why do we hurt?

What is with pain?

Why do we do it?

What do we gain?

Do we gain strength?

Does it bring God near?

Does it help us understand?

Does it help us to see?

What is love?

Why do we feel it?

Is it important?

Are we forced to deal with it?

What if I stopped loving?

Would I feel pain?

But then, once again,

What would I gain?

Love is to be cherished.

Love can make you whole.

Love is what keeps us alive.

Love is the language of the soul.

Why do I hurt? (BRTN3325)

My heart has been so heavy, as if I had a large weight is sitting on top of my chest. Burdened, sore, aching, like it is crying out for something to stop the pain. Thoughts run through my mind of different ways to stop the insanity....sleepless nights, mind screaming to the top of its thoughts, crazy sounds... like some one wanting out.

Someone left me a comment saying "what an amazing strong human being I am" they don't know me... anyone wants to know me... really knows me. A world full of people and no one knows me.

Sunday morning.... Maria still in bed...Gary playing at Reynolds... Here I sit.... Been up since 4:30 am waken to a phone call from Arkansas Methodist Hospital Trauma Room. Didn't get to the call in time... hospital won't give me any information....waiting for the bad news... have called a waken every body I know.. Kayla home in bed..Landon and Lindsey home in bed... family out of town safe.... Christie and Kim sound to sleep...fine.. so who? praying to God everyone is safe.....waiting for bad news.

I can't handle any more bad news!... I have had my life share of it.

Through The Tears

Tears fall like rain from my eyes as if to water the earth
Remembering their sweet spirit and my joy at their birth
How could this be Lord just 18 short years
I pray so often Lord "please dry up my tears."

With each beat of my heart I miss them so
And try as I might I can't let them go
I remember their laughter, the smell of their hair
The sparkle in their brown eyes, that's no longer there.

I try to remember their life was a gift
But they left so suddenly, their death was swift
One day I'll be with them the wait seems unfair
I'll take comfort in knowing, they are in your loving care.

I hate nights like tonight when the pain in my heart is so strong that I can't stop crying. It is so lonely.. Can't sleep, missing my boys so much.

I can hear them playing, I can hear them laughing, I can hear Brad playing his guitar. Sounds crazy, but I can hear Chad singing the Judd's " I know where I'm going...do you want to go too..." his favorite song, well that and "Splish, splash I was taking a bath..."
The images in my mind are so clear. I can see Brad standing in the living room, naked, shaking his butt singing " I want to be a cowboy and you can be my cowgirl...yippee, yippee yea..." age 3.

I know it has been 19 years since Chad died and 3 since Brad died, but it feels like yesterday to me. I have days when I can think about them and just smile, and then there are days like today.... just can't stop crying.

I have a picture frame on my desk that reads..

" The Impact of One Life"
When a stone is dropped into a lake, it quickly disappears from sight-- but its impact leaves behind a series of ripples that broaden and reach across the water.

In the same way; the impact of one life lived for Christ will leave behind an influence for good that will reach the lives of many others.

It has my son's, Brad, picture in it. What a remarkable young man he was.
He was my everything after my divorce. God I miss him so much.

Through the Tears

I know that I will have these days when darkness clouds my view
When hardships get to hard to bear and I can’t see them through
Its all these times I often cry and tears spill down my cheeks
When sadness overcome my life with nights dark and bleak

Then God will say to me look up and see the light
Don’t dwell on sadness from your past count blessings in your sight
As I do I see the sun that shines through darkest skies
I can see my blessing clear through my tear filled eyes

It’s then the magic comes to me with sunlight on my face
I see a rainbow through my tears and darkness is replaced
I feel the love of Jesus Christ as dark clouds fade away
I'm filled with loving gratitude as I kneel down to pray

Thank you for this gift Oh Lord, with words I can express

This overhelming pain inside that Your Love has come to caress

I’m grateful for the blessings and the tears that I have shed
For in them are the rainbows that will keep my spirit fed

I feel better.....goodnight.