Well, hear goes. I've got to explain myself with some one else's words. I'm not talking about naked with no clothes on, I'm talking about taking off the mask, being real. My friend says "everyone knows we are not perfect...we have all made and continue to make mistakes daily. We all have problems and we have all screwed up" So why then do we pretend that everything is "just fine"?
I believe it is because we don't want people to know how screwed up we really are! What will they think? What will they say about me?
My philosophy is they will think what they want and say what they think regardless of truth. And you can't change it. So I personally would rather them tell the truth about me even if it is bad rather than make something up that could be worse than the truth:)
So, with that said I'm going to get real.
When I was 14 years old and still in church I started using drugs and alcohol. I continued to use until I was 40 years old. I still have an occasion drink now and then socially. I had an affair when I was in my early 30's. I smoked pot weekly until I was in my late 30's. And occasionally still struggle with wanting to smoke now. I was saved when I was living in Batesville, Ark and going through my divorce.
Over the course of the past few months I struggle with resentment, anger and depression for the loss of my sons,Chad and Brad, my Southside church family and friends. I continue to pray that I will accept what has happened and begin to move on but until that time has come I will blog my heart out!, read my bible and pray for peace.
God forgave me for my past, present and future. and I am forever grateful for my best friend Jesus, who happens to know me better than I know myself. Just like my friend, I am not bragging, I just believe I am not alone and neither or you. Take off the mask and find freedom in doing so. I have used more energy trying to pretend everything is just fine than I would have just being me. my Bible says"those who are without sin throw the first stone." and
"that we all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." So who are we to judge!
Wow do I feel better!
Sunday, September 9, 2007
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
In Memory of Matthew Scott Holbrook
Don't Cry For Me
I’m sorry that I had to leave you.
A distant voice called me away.
There was so much left for us to share,
so much we never got to say.
But all my pain is far behind me,
confusion finally laid to rest.
I hope my life here had a reason.
What you do now will be the test.
I died too early, but I always knew I would.
I lived life the way I wanted,
and always looked for something good in everyone.
As I look down upon you now,
my hopes for you are still so strong.
Better to have loved and lost,
but we haven’t lost for long.
Don’t cry for me, beloved friends.
I've risen beyond this world of fear.
Hold my friendship in your memory,
and always know that I am near.
I know the grief will nearly kill you.
Dry your eyes, and carry on.
Remember me, for through your lives,
my spirit will live on.
Matt, you have no idea the love that surrounded you here on this earth. The days ahead will only be more painful without you for your mother, your beautiful children, your sister and all of us who loved you so much.
As much as we tried to love you, you simply pushed us away for a life full of heartache and more pain. Oh, how I wish you knew the excitement we had for you when we heard of your triumphs and achievements. Oh how we rejoiced and praised our loving God for your sucess.
The only comfort we have now, is that you are in the arm's of Jesus. And that one day when our time on earth is done that we will see you again and can worship with you in heaven. Until then, we can only pray that the love of our God will be forever with your mother, children and sister and that through time they will find peace and joy in your memory.
I will forever carry you with me in my thoughts and heart with my own children, for you where as close as a son to me. I watched you grow from a little boy to a handsome man and my memories of your last visit will forever give me comfort. You will be missed but not forgotten.
I love you Matt,
Aunt Vicki
I’m sorry that I had to leave you.
A distant voice called me away.
There was so much left for us to share,
so much we never got to say.
But all my pain is far behind me,
confusion finally laid to rest.
I hope my life here had a reason.
What you do now will be the test.
I died too early, but I always knew I would.
I lived life the way I wanted,
and always looked for something good in everyone.
As I look down upon you now,
my hopes for you are still so strong.
Better to have loved and lost,
but we haven’t lost for long.
Don’t cry for me, beloved friends.
I've risen beyond this world of fear.
Hold my friendship in your memory,
and always know that I am near.
I know the grief will nearly kill you.
Dry your eyes, and carry on.
Remember me, for through your lives,
my spirit will live on.
Matt, you have no idea the love that surrounded you here on this earth. The days ahead will only be more painful without you for your mother, your beautiful children, your sister and all of us who loved you so much.
As much as we tried to love you, you simply pushed us away for a life full of heartache and more pain. Oh, how I wish you knew the excitement we had for you when we heard of your triumphs and achievements. Oh how we rejoiced and praised our loving God for your sucess.
The only comfort we have now, is that you are in the arm's of Jesus. And that one day when our time on earth is done that we will see you again and can worship with you in heaven. Until then, we can only pray that the love of our God will be forever with your mother, children and sister and that through time they will find peace and joy in your memory.
I will forever carry you with me in my thoughts and heart with my own children, for you where as close as a son to me. I watched you grow from a little boy to a handsome man and my memories of your last visit will forever give me comfort. You will be missed but not forgotten.
I love you Matt,
Aunt Vicki
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